still learning to trust Him...

They say that after the first trimester of pregnancy, the chances of miscarriage drop drastically. So, when I passed my 13-week mark without any problems, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Yesterday I had my monthly doctor visit. Baron went with me because they were going to find the heartbeat with the Doppler for the first time. It was a miracle in itself that we only had to wait 10-15 minutes to go back to the exam room. After weighing me & taking my blood pressure, Nurse Patty left to get the Doppler. When she came back, she squirted the cold gel on my belly and began searching. She searched for a minute or two, and then made a humorous comment about the baby giving us trouble so it must be a girl. After a couple of minutes of trying, she explained to me that sometimes the placenta is in front of the baby and the Doppler can't get the heartbeat. So she wanted to do an ultrasound.

That's when I got nervous. But part of me was excited about getting to see little Zippy on the screen again. We went to the ultrasound room, and the tech started doing her thing. She asked me when I last had an ultrasound, and I told her it was pretty early. She then proceeded to explain to me that the baby had stopped developing after about 7 weeks. I was confused. I looked at the screen. There was little Zippy, motionless and with no heartbeat pounding. He looked the same as he did when I had my vaginal ultrasound. When the tech asked me, "Do you understand what that means?", it hit me. My baby was gone. I didn't know what to think or say. She left me & Baron in the room for a minute before we went back to the exam room to talk to Dr. Dupre. What's going on? This isn't supposed to happen to ME. I've already struggled to get pregnant - why can't I have this baby?

Dr. Dupre is awesome. He is so matter-of-fact, but with the best approach. He explained to me (like 100 times) that this wasn't my fault. There's nothing I could have done to prevent this. Sometimes it just happens. 20% of the time, as a matter of fact. He called it a "missing miscarriage" - meaning, the baby did not survive but my body has not rejected it yet, so we didn't know it happened until we looked for the heartbeat. He then scheduled me for a D&C, which I will have tomorrow. {Side note: please pray for that procedure...oddly enough, my biggest concern is the IV they will put in me for the anesthesia. I'm a wimp. I could easily pass out.}

So, I know this is a depressing post. I needed to post this for two reasons: (1) I want to get the word out as thoroughly as I can so I can start moving on, and (2) it is very therapeutic for me to write about this experience. Please pray for me & Baron {and our families, as they, of course, were very excited and are now saddened as well} over the next few days/weeks. Obviously I've never been through this process so I don't know what to expect. Last night was a very difficult night for both of us, emotionally, and we are better today but we know it's not over. We are trusting God that this is His plan for us...as unfair and wrong as it seems at the moment. I cannot comprehend why this would be God's plan, but since we have chosen to live lives following Him, I know that it is.

pickles & pillows

I have succombed to the cliche. I cannot get enough pickles. I have always been a big fan of pickles, but in the last week or so, it has elevated to a new level. Baby dill pickles, fried pickles, hamburger pickles, pickled okra, dill pickle chips...you name it. {Just not the sweet pickles - I normally love them but right now, ICK.} Does anyone know if you can eat TOO many pickles? So far I haven't acquired the pickles & ice cream combination, but stay tuned; you never know!

On another note, it seems that while pregnant, we are advised not to sleep on our back. I am mostly a side-sleeper, but I do sleep on my back too. {Fortunately I've never been a stomach sleeper, or I'd really be in a pickle...har har.} I'm considering getting a body pillow, and I have heard about these weird-shaped maternity pillows. Have any of you used one of these pillows? If so, what kind do you recommend? Warning: I refuse to pay $99.95 for a pillow, so if you recommend this pillow, don't bother.

pregnancy = handicapped?

So...at what point do I get to start parking here?

The other day I was at Goody's, and I saw this parking spot. {By the way, why does it have a stroller on the sign? It's for Expectant Mothers, not Already Mothers. They should have an image of a fat prego lady on there. I digress.} I am ashamed to admit that I actually considered taking advantage of the front row spot. I was tired, and I only planned to be inside for a few minutes. After all, I AM an expectant mother. And the only reason I was exhausted was because of the little Zippy growing at the speed of light inside my belly. But suddenly all I could think about was all the times I sneered at drivers zooming into the handicapped spots, hurriedly placing the placard in the rearview mirror, and hopping out of their car to rush into the store. Handicapped? Really? Is that placard left over from your sprained ankle 2 years ago? Seriously. I could just see my not-showing-yet-only-a-few-weeks-pregnant-self pulling into the ONE AND ONLY Expectant Mothers spot, as the out-of-breath 8-month pregnant mom waddles down the aisle from her spot out in the middle of Egypt and I hop out of the car and bounce past her so I can get inside first. As these thoughts ran through my mind, I patiently {ok not so patiently} drove down the aisle to take my parking spot 2 miles from the door.

I guess I should at LEAST be showing before I park there.

Zippy

I had an early ultrasound...I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it's because we'd been trying for so long & my doctor thought it would make me happy. :-) Which it did! {Except for the fact that it was a vaginal ultrasound, which I will spare the details of but note that it is quite awkward.} We got to hear the baby's heartbeat & let me tell you, that is such a comforting sound! So here's a picture of our little Zippy, as my dad has nicknamed him/her, after the ZIP code character. {Thanks, Mr. Postman. :-)} Yes, it is just a small blob right now, but it's amazing to think that this little blob will one day be an entire human being! God's creation is so amazing.

announcement...

First Response 2-pack pregnancy test:

$10.00

Clear Blue 2-pack digital pregnancy test, because the faint pink line isn't enough & sometimes we need to see the word "pregnant":

$15.00

Finding out you are pregnant the same day you send off an application & $250 non-refundable check to the adoption agency:

Priceless.

Yes, it's true...I'm pregnant! And yes, we really did find out the same day we mailed a check to the adoption agency. Go figure. :-) But seriously...this is truly an answer to prayers. This is totally a God thing, and I believe He brought us here for so many reasons, one being to show His glory. Thank you all so much for your prayers for us!

P.S. Due date is September 14th. :-)