whirlwind.

Needless to say, ever since we found out we were chosen by a birth mother, my life has been a whirlwind. And it won't be slowing down for awhile. :-)

I think there is a reason God gave expecting mothers 9 months to prepare. Having only 3 weeks to get a house ready for a newborn is enough to put a mommy in a crazy house! Add to that the chaos of finding a place to stay in a town 8 hours away for 6-8 weeks, making arrangements for help with the toddler when she & the husband come back to town in a couple of weeks, beginning a relationship with my soon-to-be-son's birth mother, preparing my boss/co-workers for my extended absence, and attempting to savor the last moments at home with friends & family before being gone for awhile; and my brain is officially mush.

But, here I am, the night before our travel day, and I am almost ready. No, not almost ready to bring a baby home. { My house is a mess; the baby's clothes are stacked in his room because his dresser drawers are broken; I don't have newborn diapers; the nursery isn't finished...etc...} I just mean I am almost ready for our trip. Because honestly, I don't think I could manage this whole ordeal if I were trying to get ready for ALL of this at once. I am taking it one day at a time. Tonight, I will get ready for tomorrow's travel. Tomorrow, I will get ready to be in the delivery room for the birth of my son on Monday. Monday, I will get ready for the moments I intend to savor with my son & his birth mother while in the hospital together. Tuesday, I will get ready for the emotions that come when the birth mother signs her relinquishment papers. And all that time, in the back of my mind, I will be praying for my son to just be healthy. I will pray for him to breathe when he is born. I will pray for his blood to circulate. I will pray for the NICU nurses, the surgeon who will operate on him, and all of the people taking care of him while he is in surgery & recovering. I will also be praying for his birth mother, who is nervous, excited, anxious. Who is struggling with her broken relationship with her mother. I will attempt to encourage her, while refraining from saying "it will all work out", when I don't know that it will. I will try to be her friend, because she has none with her at this time.

Friends, this is a lot to deal with. I am an emotional girl anyway, and all of this is just completely overwhelming for me! The only way I am managing to drift through this is because I am relying on God. This is His plan anyway, so He knows what's going on. He is my strength, because I have none on my own. I am fragile & weak & way too emotional to handle this myself. The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. I have had to remind myself of that over & over during the past 3 weeks! The Joy of the Lord is my Strength.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength.

(source)

October.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

October is also the month we celebrate the birth of my mother.

Six months ago, those two statements had nothing to do with each other, other than having the word "October" in them. But in May of this year, after a routine mammogram, my mother was told she had a mass in her breast. And after her biopsy, it was confirmed: cancer.

Such a scary word, isn't it? Cancer. I have had two grandfathers, a stepfather-in-law, and several church family members lose their earthly lives to cancer. It is a devastating disease. So naturally, when my mother called to tell me her mass was, in fact, the "c-word", I should have been scared. Mortified. Shocked. Angry. But you know what? My mother wasn't those things. She was calm. Peaceful. Even somewhat matter-of-fact. As if she were telling me this was just another speed bump in life, like changing jobs or a car breaking down. She is a strong woman. No...that isn't true: she is a weak woman, who fully relies on the strength of her God. You see, humans cannot overcome cancer. Therefore, humans have no hope when they are told they have cancer. But my mother knows that God controls her life, and God has already conquered cancer. If her cancer is healed here on earth: Praise God; she's got a few more years with us here! If her cancer consumes her body & takes away her earthly life: Praise God; she's got a new body that will never see disease again! Either way - Praise God; he is the ultimate Healer!

Mom's cancer was removed. She had a partial mastectomy in May. The cancer was actually pretty tiny. So her story had a happy ending. Not everyone's battle with cancer ends the same way. This month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, let's not just think about how we can detect & treat breast cancer, but all cancers. And let's remember those who lost their earthly bodies to this terrible disease, and the families who deal with this on a daily basis.

{ So many women are a walking case for early detection, and so is my mom! Her cancer was detected very early, by a routine mammogram. Ladies: get your mammograms! }

{ my mom with my daughter & my brother's daughter, on our family vacation in June 2012 }

By Your Side

If you have a couple of minutes, please take the time to watch this video. {It's really just for the song; I thought an accompanying video would be more interesting than just listening.} This song means a lot to me right now. The day we found out we lost the baby, I got in the car to drive home from the doctor's office, and this song was playing. I wasn't paying much attention, as I had so much going through my head, but the first line I really heard was "why are you crying?" and that got my attention. I tried to listen to all of the rest of the words at that time, but I was just too overwhelmed - I only heard bits & pieces, but they were like God speaking directly to me, at that very moment. The next time I heard the song was on my way home from work, my first day back after the loss - it had been a very hard day & God once again chose to speak to me through the lyrics of this song. Please take a minute to listen to these words...maybe God will speak to you, too.

if at first you don't succeed...take a break!

Several of you have asked me how our "baby making" efforts have been going. Well, obviously, they aren't working. :-) But, to keep you up to date on what we've been doing, here's a recap of what we've been through up to this point. {If you aren't interested, feel free to skip over this post. I won't be offended. Much. ;-)} This is partly for you to know what's going on with us, partly to help anyone out there who might be going through the same thing, and partly for my own benefit so I can have a journal of what we've been through. Ok, back on track...

In September 2006, Baron & I (ok really it was mostly me, and I talked Baron into it) decided we were ready to start trying to have a baby. I stopped taking my birth control, and at first my attitude was "we won't try, but we won't not try". That didn't last long. I was counting days & reading online articles about how to get pregnant after the first month.

For several months, I was discouraged that I wasn't pregnant yet, but I also realized that it takes most couples up to a year to get pregnant. So I was ok. Until the one-year mark started getting close. I started charting, taking my basal temperature, and doing the at-home ovulation predictor tests. Everything appeared normal, and I still wasn't pregnant. Then I decided to pursue this thing a little more. I talked to my doctor about what to do next {this is my new doctor; I had switched because my other gyno doesn't deliver babies anymore & I thought I would need an OB soon...little did I know}. That's when I started having blood work done once a month to check my progesterone level. {Your progesterone is at a certain level when you get to day 21 of your cycle, if you ovulated successfully.} Every month, my progesterone level was normal. My doctor suggested I try Clomid, because sometimes you can be ovulating "regularly" but not necessarily "effectively", and Clomid can sometimes help. Well, I took the lowest dose that Clomid is administered in {50 mg}, and when I went in for my 21-day progesterone blood work, my levels were WAY too high. Just looking at my test results, my nurse actually thought I might be pregnant...with twins. Yikes. So the Clomid had overstimulated my ovaries, which can cause ovarian cysts, so I didn't take Clomid anymore. Also during this time, Baron was tested {guys only have one test they have to take...while us girls have like a million...BOOOO...} and his test results were normal.

The next step was to have a hysterosalpingogram {HSG}, which is a procedure to determine if your Fallopian tubes are blocked. At that time, it was November {2007} and nearing the holiday season, and the nurse said it could be hard to schedule the procedure with the doctors going on vacation, and the procedure has to be done at a certain time of the month, yadda yadda yadda, so I opted not to do it at that time. Well, in January 2008, while I was at Last Hour chaperoning a bunch of teenagers, I had what I can only describe as a knock on the noggin. {Click here to read my previous post about it.} This was a major spiritual experience for me, because I had finally felt at peace with waiting on God's plan in my life. I was ok with waiting.

The only problem with me at that point in time is that I was only thinking of myself. I was ok with waiting, but I hadn't even considered Baron's feelings. When a couple struggles with infertility, that's just it: the couple struggles. I was so focused on how well I was doing that I hadn't even thought of how Baron was doing. And I found out in March that he wasn't as keen on waiting as I was. I just didn't even realize how badly he wanted a baby. So, I called up my doctor and scheduled the HSG. I was very nervous because I didn't quite know what to expect. My appointment was in April, and when I got to the hospital, I got myself so worked up & nervous over the procedure that I passed out after it was over. Yep, I'm a wimp. The procedure wasn't even that bad. I'm just a wimp. :-) But the good news is that the test was normal. My tubes aren't blocked.

So now what? I got a call from Dr. Dupre later that week, and he told me I had two options. (1) Go back on Clomid, but cut the pills in half to get a lower dosage, or (2) have laparoscopic surgery to give the doctor a chance to "look around" inside me. Dr. Dupre said I am at a very low risk for finding anything in a laparoscopy, so of course I opted to try Clomid again.

I was on Clomid from May through July, when I decided to stop taking it. For a couple of reasons: first of all, Clomid has a few possible side effects, one of which is hot flashes, and let me tell you - those about drove me crazy. I do NOT look forward to menopause after experiencing those.

The other reason I decided to come off Clomid: I need a break. It's been almost 2 years since we started trying, and it's tiring. It's emotionally and mentally stressful, and I am ready to quit. Honestly, part of me wants to just give up altogether. I know that will change, so instead of calling this "quitting" I'm calling it a "break". And to be honest, it is a huge relief to know that for at least a few months, I won't be taking Clomid, or getting blood work, or watching the calendar, or paying attention to my cervical fluid {sorry, TMI}, or scheduling sex {sorry, TMI again}, or having a procedure done. Whew.

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More info:

Overview of Infertility
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
Home Remedies for Infertility
Estrogen Dominance
Natural Horomone Balancing

peace

I recently came across this scripture and it really spoke to me because of where I am in my life. We usually use this passage for its focus on prayer, but I want you to pay special attention to the second half of this, which focuses on the benefits we reap from our faith in God through prayer.

Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers & requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think & feel. ~Philippians 4:6,7