Anyway…what I want to share with everyone is what’s been going on with me & Baron for the past year & 4 months. We’ve been trying to have a baby, and (obviously) have not been successful. After trying for almost a year, I started to get very frustrated. I noticed more & more the incompetent parents toting their babies in public. I was bitter toward teenagers who found out they were pregnant after “one mistake”. I even found myself getting angry at stupid Brittney Spears & her stupid little sister. (I won’t even get started on that subject!) Don’t get me wrong – in my mind, I knew that God would make this happen in His time. But I couldn’t help but be frustrated, confused, and at times, angry. I tried to be patient & I even convinced myself that I WAS being patient…until about 2 weeks ago when I finally realized I was not truly waiting on God. I was chaperoning at Last Hour, and I was sitting in one of the sessions listening to Randy Harris talk about Heaven. I don’t remember what he was talking about (I promise I was paying attention!), but all of a sudden it hit me: I don’t NEED a baby. I desperately WANT a baby, but really all I need is a relationship with my God. I know that sounds SO profound, but at that moment I realized that it really isn’t up to me.
So, I decided not to try to make this mine. I had been going to the doctor, I was getting blood work every month (those tests came out normal every month), I tried Clomid (a mild fertility drug) & it basically over-stimulated me so I came off it, Baron was tested (those results were normal as well), and I was about to have a procedure done this month for another test…but I decided to stop all of that. For several reasons: 1) the monthly blood work was getting expensive ($35 co-pay each month adds up, & the expenses would only keep piling up), 2) I kept getting the same test results every month – normal, and 3) the most important reason: I know in my heart that when I do get pregnant, it will be to God’s glory; but if I get pregnant without the help of medicine, doctors, etc, it will be that much more evident to the world that it’s a God thing. Does that make sense? I just really want this to be all about God, and not about me or Baron or my doctor or the latest infertility procedure. I’m not saying I won’t eventually go back to trying some of that stuff, and I’m certainly not saying I have a problem with any of those avenues. But for now, I am at peace with God’s plan. Finally.
Speaking of God’s plan…you know how everyone always says “this is happening for a reason”? Well, I don’t think it is a coincidence that Baron & I will be debt free by the end of this year, and there is no way that would have happened if we had a baby. Also, I do plan to be a stay-at-home mom, and I have recently (in the past week) been given an opportunity at work to minister to one of my co-workers. If I’d already quit my job, I wouldn’t have this opportunity. I don’t believe in coincidences.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.