my call to adopt.

In 2006, my husband & I decided to try to have a baby. Well...I decided, and I somehow convinced him. Because we were also building a house at the time, and "What if you get pregnant during the move...", yadda yadda. So I came off The Pill, and thus began the "trying". After a few months, we were starting to get a little antsy, but also knew that technically we weren't considered "struggling with infertility" until we'd been trying for a year.

I won't go into the details of the "trying" years (I have written about some of my struggles at the time); just know that it involved "home remedies", ovulation calendars, Clomid, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, bloodwork, an HSG, testing for the hubs, unwelcomed advice from random people, and lots of crying. Most of my friends were getting pregnant & having babies, and I was not. It was a very difficult time, and I struggled spiritually & emotionally. Every time a friend announced she was pregnant, the bittersweet emotions I felt were so overwhelming, it exhausted me. I was genuinely happy for my friends - I really was. And yet I was also so discouraged that it wasn't me. It was tough, y'all.

In 2008, we decided to consider adoption. I won't lie: at this point, adoption was a back-up plan. It was my "I guess if I can't get pregnant, I need to consider adoption" plan. Don't get me wrong; I clearly felt as if God was calling us to adopt. But I also still strongly desired pregnancy, and would have been totally ok if God wanted to go on & proceed with our Plan A. Then, in 2009, I became pregnant, I found out I'd lost our baby, and we once again got back into the adoption process, only this time with more passion than before. I cannot put into words what happened to me between the pregnancy/miscarriage and the decision to once again pursue adoption, but I know it was God leading me, growing me, and assuring me that this was His Plan A.

Fast forward to 2014. I have two amazing children. God chose to send them to us through adoption, and each of their stories is beautiful. (Read about their stories, and our adoption journey, here.) Relationships formed with their birthmothers have blessed us more than we could have imagined. Technically, we are still infertile, since we have not gotten pregnant. But honestly, I do not long for pregnancy anymore. At some point in my journey, God turned my desire for pregnancy into a desire for a child. And that is when I realized that I wanted to be a mommy - not necessarily a pregnant woman. I said goodbye to pregnancy, and fully embraced adoption. It is my heart now. This is not to belittle the miracle of pregnancy & childbirth, but to highlight the beauty of motherhood, however it may come about.

God desires for us to take care of orphans, and I feel so inadequate, but want so badly to fulfill this desire He has for these children. If you are a believer in God's word, you know He wants you to love Him & love each other; act justly & love mercy; never stop praying. Taking care of orphans and widows fits perfectly with God's overall desire for us to pursue relationships that glorify Him. That is what God wants for all of us - to develop & nurture relationships that glorify Him. I won't try to argue that the bible specifically commands all Christians to adopt a child. I don't believe God has that plan for each & every one of us. But I do know that God loves adoption, He loves all of His children, and fostering/adopting children is such a beautiful way to express God's love for everyone.

Everyone's path is different. God does not make missionaries out of everyone; He does not send everyone to the inner city; and He does not make foster or adoptive parents out of everyone. But is He calling YOU to adopt or foster an orphan? And if He is, are you listening? What will you do about it?

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In writing this post, I came across this article, A Biblical Framework for Adoption. Please read it when you have the chance; I think you will enjoy it!

 



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unpregnant.

When we began the adoption process, I knew it would be different. Different for us, different for those close to us, and also different for everyone else in our lives. While we know a lot of families who have adopted, the majority of the families around us are biological. I have a lot of experience watching my pregnant friends during their pregnancies, attending their baby showers at church, visiting them in the hospital when their babies are born, and taking them meals after they bring their babies home. So, while I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant, I know how to be a friend to someone who is. I, too, am an expecting mother. But guess what? I’m not going through all of that. I’m not pregnant, so I don’t exactly know what I’m supposed to go through. People don’t rub my belly & ask how the baby is. {No, I am NOT asking you to start rubbing my belly! :)} When I go somewhere, no one can look at me & see that I am an expecting mother. I don’t get to hear my baby’s heartbeat at the doctor’s office. I don’t have weird cravings. {Ok so maybe I do. But not as a result of pregnancy. :)} I can’t feel my baby kicking in my belly. I can’t see her through the ultrasound. All of these things – experiences of a pregnant mother – help her & those around her grow to love her baby. She bonds with her baby as he/she grows inside of her, and the people close to her can see that & experience it with her.

So where does that leave me? I am expecting a baby in April, who will be born of another woman. How do I bond with that baby? How do I love her before she is even here? Well, I don’t know how. But I know I do. I love that baby girl. I have never met her, but she is mine. I have never seen her on an ultrasound, but I know she is beautiful. I haven’t heard her heartbeat, but I know it is beating. She isn’t growing underneath my heart, but she is growing in my heart. Some of you are probably thinking, “Laura, isn’t that dangerous to grow so attached? Can’t the birthmother change her mind? Isn’t there a possibility that the adoption could fail?” Yes, of course. I’m not naïve – I know the reality of failed adoptions. But would you tell a pregnant mother not to grow attached to her baby because of the possibility of a pregnancy loss? Of course not! She is expected to bond with her baby, so I should be expected to bond with mine.

Maybe adoption shouldn’t be "the new pregnant". Maybe I need to stop trying to make this adoption a pregnancy, and embrace the difference that it is. So what if I don't get to park in the "expecting mothers" parking spot. And I may not get the “awww, you’re just GLOWING!” that the pregnant moms get. People may forget that I’m expecting because they don’t have the visual reminder. But I feel that there is a baby in South Carolina right now that is my daughter. And soon, she will be here for all of you to oooh and ahhh over. And when that time comes, none of this confusion/awkwardness/emotional roller coaster/stress will matter, because it will be all worth it to have that baby girl in my arms.

If you are adopting, or considering adoption, I urge you to enjoy the differences between adoption & pregnancy. Adoption is a beautiful {and exciting!} thing, and a tremendous blessing to so many people! It saddens me when people view adoption as a "backup plan" for growing a family. I have struggled with comparing adoption with pregnancy, and it can lead to disappointment. Unrealistic expectations of other people are unmet. Negative differences are amplified. Blessings go unnoticed. The fact is, our experiences are similar, but at the same time different. Enjoy being an expecting mother; don’t pity yourself for being unpregnant.

{Side note: tomorrow (Friday), Baron & I are travelling to South Carolina to meet our birthmother. We are super excited about this trip! Please pray for our safety during the trip up there Friday & back on Saturday, and for a good meeting with her. Thanks!}

Just Adopt!

This is a great article I came across today. Some of you may be able to relate to it but probably most will not. Either way, it's a small glimpse into the emotions of a mom's decision to adopt.

Click Here to read "Just Adopt" by Sarah Kelly

stormy emotions

I had a bad day today.

I was late to work. I had several unexpected tasks come up at work that prevented me from accomplishing what I hoped to accomplish. We had a company lunch that was split into two shifts, and I got left behind. When I got home from work, Toby had red dirt all over his paws & was running around the house with his filthy self. But the worst part of the day was when I had some "moments" {I have those sometimes - moments of frustration/sadness/etc} and I realized that my emotions were out of control. At least, I thought they were out of control. I prayed for God to take them over, and he did. Then, when I got home & checked my e-mail today, I read this devotional from Sarah's Laughter and it made me realize that God really can control my emotions if I let him.

Raging Storms

“Who then is this, that He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him?”
Luke 8:25

Has your faith died since the moment your baby died? Have you found your faith decreasing along with your hormone levels? If this is the hurt of your heart, listen as Jesus says to your storm, “Peace, be still.” He doesn’t rebuke you for your doubt. He rebukes the doubt. The same word and the same Word that calmed the storm for the disciples that night can calm your storm and bring you peace.

You may feel that you have not only lost your baby, but you’ve lost control. You tried everything you could to ensure a safe development for your baby, but something went horribly wrong. You couldn’t control how the embryo divided. You couldn’t control the tiny heartbeat. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t control your blood pressure or your hormone levels. Now, you struggle to control emotions bouncing around your chest like a million ping-pong balls. You just can’t seem to regain control of anything. Your storm is out of control.

Good news, friend. The storm isn’t really out of control. It’s just that it’s not under your control. Look at the flabbergasted reply of Jesus’ shipmates the day He stepped to the edge of the boat and calmed their storm with just a word:

“Who then is this, that He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him?”

These guys were no neophytes. They had already witnessed so much of what Jesus could do, but when He slapped the waves down with only a word from the Word, He stopped them dead in their doubting tracks! Who is this Jesus? This Jesus is the Prince of Peace who calms your angry tempest with only His voice. He’s the same Jesus who knows you’ll survive this storm whether you know you will or not. He’s the same Jesus who brings His peace to you. Peace that passes all understanding and simply doesn’t make sense considering the situation you find yourself in is yours for the taking. Never worry that He’ll run out of patience with you. Because of the Lord’s mercies that are new every morning, we are not consumed. (Lamentations 3:22-23 KJV) Are you afraid that even the Prince of Peace is not enough to speak peace to your hurt? Worry no more. His grace is sufficient and His strength is perfected in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

This is the Jesus who calms your storm.

writer's block

I am having a hard time coming up with anything to blog about that isn't related to my miscarriage. Hopefully soon I will have some more enjoyable posts for my readers. Please hang in there with me for awhile!

I wanted to share this e-mail I got today. I found this website, Sarah's Laughter, which provides support for infertility and loss. I registered to receive their "Daily Double Portion" e-mails. So far, just about every one I have received has spoken to me in a different way. Anyway, I felt the urge to share this one from today...

A Glorious Reunion
2 Samuel 12:23
I will go to him...

If you are one who has lived through the horror of the death of your baby, Sarah’s Laughter offers you our most heartfelt condolences. Maybe no one ever told you they were sorry you lost your baby. We are so very sorry. We are sorry that you lost your baby, and we are so sorry that others have not recognized your hurt. If there is anything this ministry can do for you, please do not hesitate to let us know.

Even in the face of such a devastating loss, there is great encouragement and understanding for you found within the pages of Scripture. God knew you would search for answers to the questions that bounce around your heart like a million ping-pong balls. Perhaps the most vivid example we have of someone surviving the death of a precious baby is found in the life of David.
If someone asked you who David was, what would you say? Would you call him a giant-killer? A king? A scoundrel? A man who danced before the Lord with all might? A man after God’s own heart?

A grieving parent?

In 2 Samuel we see a portrait of grief hanging on the walls of David’s home. He is facing the imminent death of his baby, and is stricken with pain only a bereaved parent can know. The prophet Nathan has told him that God has revealed the baby will die, and although David does all he knows to do to change God’s mind, in only seven short days, David’s baby slips into eternity.

What about your baby. Did you know death was inevitable, or did it sneak up on like an unwanted companion? No doubt, you begged and pleaded with God for the life of your child. How your story parallels David’s!

David’s baby has died. There is no going back. There are no more doctors to call, no more treatments to try. The baby’s life on earth is completed. What does David do? What did you do?

Somehow through his grief, David found the road to recovery, and began to walk in it right away.

Scripture tells us that when David was alerted of the passing of his baby, he arose from the ground where he laid, wept and prayed, he washed himself and changed his clothes. Then he did the most amazing--and perhaps the hardest thing. David worshiped.

How was David able to enter into the worship of the Lord? This is the same Lord who could have changed His mind and saved David’s baby, but chose not to. How could David worship?
I believe the answer lies in 2 Samuel 12:23. It’s a profound truth found in only five words:

I will go to him...

God surely pulled back the curtains of time for David and revealed to him just a smidgen of His plan for humanity. We know that Jesus went to prepare a place for us so that we can be with Him for eternity. David lived centuries before the cross and the empty tomb. He had no way to know that God had planned eternal reunions with lost loves.

Somehow, David knew he would see his baby again. It wasn’t a cliche to David. He knew-in reality-he would see this baby again. Not another baby that he and his wife would soon conceive. Not a child born to him at another point in his life. He knew that he would see this baby again. The unuttered promise of a glorious reunion with his baby made this painful, but temporary, period of separation bearable.

When your heart aches for your baby, remind yourself that as a child of God, you will see your baby again. Not for a moment. Not until death steals him/her away again. Thank God that death will never enter Heaven’s gates! You can be reunited with your baby and with your God for eternity! All that is required is the salvation freely offered you at the foot of Calvary.

When you arrive in heaven, perhaps you’ll sit down for a while with David. Maybe you’ll share how your hearts broke. He’ll tell you what it was like to see his child again. You can tell him what it was like to see yours. Together, with the children you’ve both loved and lost, you can join with David, the master musician, and and pen a new song. You’ll add a verse. Your child can dance as you all sing the praises of our Heavenly Father for all eternity.

What a beautiful song.

(c) 2008 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

update...

Sometimes I feel weird posting about my personal life, because I wonder why in the world anyone would care to read about my boring life. But, I do it anyway because (a) there are people who read this that I don't get to talk to often, and I want to keep them in the loop, and (b) it's therapeutic for me to blog and it will someday serve as a journal for me to look back on. Now that I have bored you already with my disclaimer, on to what I was going to update you on...

Baron and I have finally made the decision to pursue adoption. Of course it has been in the back of our minds for the past few months, after trying to get pregnant for two years, but we hadn't committed to actually researching & moving forward with the process. Well, a couple of weeks ago, we started talking about it again, and Baron said to me, "What if we don't have a baby yet because there are so many people out there who don't want theirs?" And it suddenly hit me - maybe that is what God wants us to do. Maybe this long & drawn out infertility ordeal is just to get us to take care of someone else's child. Maybe there is a specific unborn baby out there RIGHT NOW who is meant to be OURS. And when those thoughts went through my head, I made my decision to pursue this avenue.

Of course the first place we turned was Agape of Central Alabama, because we are familiar with their services and their office is the most convenient for us (it's located in our church). We met with the adoption specialist and she went over some of the basic information about it, to give us a general idea of how the process works. She also recommended two other agencies - one in Florida and one in Texas - for us to consider. At this point I am really looking forward to the possibility of adopting.

We started talking to people we know who have adopted. It's an unknown for us, so we have been trying to get a feel for how the whole thing works, how others coped with the process, etc. Needless to say, after hearing some of the stories about failed adoptions - moms changing their minds, etc, waiting lists, yadda yadda yadda...I started to become a little demotivated. "I just don't know if I have the energy for all of this." I have become so emotionally drained over the past several months - for several reasons - that I just didn't know if I could handle the emotions that come with this whole adoption thing.

And then, I thought about the words of a friend of mine who has two adopted children. She said in an e-mail to me, "you just have to jump in with both feet!" And so, after discussing this with Baron last night, I'm back on board. I'm still scared, apprehensive, and honestly a little reluctant, but I need to just move forward. As for Baron, he's been gung-ho about it the whole time I've been wishy-washy. I'm such a girl - so fickle. Anyway, we are going to move forward with this and hopefully we will have a precious little one when this is all over. :-)

Having said all that, I welcome any feedback from those who have gone through this process. Right now we are trying to decide what agency to use - so far we're looking at Christian Homes & Family Services (Texas), Christian Family Services (Florida), and Georgia Agape. So if you have any advice, please give! And mostly, please pray for us as we start this new journey.

P.S. Maybe I should get this new t-shirt...? :-)

ten infertility myths

I found this article at www.bethany.org and thought it was interesting and insightful. I'm not sure if there is anyone reading my blog who deals with infertility, but maybe this will be a source of encouragement for you if you are reading...

Infertility Myths
by John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter

THE ELIJAH MYTH
“Why am I the only one facing this? Why is everyone else a ‘fertile Myrtle’?”

The Elijah Complex is a common malady among believers who suffer from infertility. Elijah was a faithful servant of God, but discouragement blinded him from realizing that he was not alone. The Bible paints a poignant portrait of Elijah complaining to God, “I am the only one left...” God had to pointedly remind Elijah that He had 7,000 other faithful servants in Israel; he was not alone (1 Kings 19:14-18 NIV). Sometimes God needs to remind us that we are not alone! Currently there are five million to ten million American couples who are facing infertility. To put it another way, approximately one in six couples will face an infertility challenge in their married life. If you feel alone, be proactive in finding (or beginning) a support group or ask your pastor if he can connect you with at least one other infertile couple in your church.

THE FEMINIST MYTH
“We are in control of our reproductive lives. We can determine when, where, and how we will conceive and give birth.”

God gives us wonderful freedom to make many choices, but we must never forget that ultimately we are not in control of our reproductive lives. God is. “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain . . . Sons are a heritage from the Lord . . . “ (Psalm 127 NIV). We also must accept the reality that fertility declines dramatically with age. Current estimates are that one in ten couples in their 20s experience an infertility problem, but the statistics jump to one in seven for couples ages 30-35; one in five for couples ages 36-40; and one in four for couples ages 41-45.

THE SEXIST MYTH
“Infertility is primarily a woman’s problem.”

Approximately 40 percent of infertility is caused by a female medical factor and 40 percent is caused by a male medical factor. The other cases of infertility are caused by a combined male/female factor or the cause of the infertility is unknown.

THE GUILT MYTH
“I/we must have done something wrong to deserve this.”

It is natural to make a direct connection between our sinfulness and a terrible consequence in our lives. Repeatedly, the Bible warns us about the danger of making this connection because most often it is in error! In the days of the Old Testament, Job’s friends suggested that his troubles were caused by his sin, but they were wrong! In the New Testament the disciples of Jesus thought that a certain man’s blindness was caused by sin, but they were wrong too! (John 9:1-3 NIV). For infertile couples, there is a great deal of encouragement in what the Bible says about Zechariah and Elizabeth, one of the many infertile couples in the Bible. Luke 1:6 informs us that the couple was upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commandments and regulations blamelessly.

THE EQUALITY MYTH
“My husband is hurting as badly as I am, but he just doesn’t show it.”

There is some evidence to suggest that husbands and wives do not necessarily face infertility with the same degree of anxiousness and pain. In one study, 50 percent of the women surveyed said that their infertility was the greatest burden they ever had to bear. Only ten percent of the men responded in the same way. Dr. Joe S. McIlhaney has suggested that, while infertility may be deeply frustrating and hurtful for men, infertility can be a “vicious torment” for a woman. Of course, no two couples will experience infertility in the same way. Countless husbands and wives feel a deep sense of loss and emptiness because of infertility.

THE ENERGIZER BUNNY MYTH
“My biological clock keeps ticking; I can’t afford to take a month off from treatment, even though I could desperately use a break.”

It may be healthy to take a short respite from medical treatment to reassess your situation and renew your energy. As one person put it, “Suspending treatment for a couple of months was such a treat! It rejuvenated me physically and allowed me to reconnect with my husband emotionally and sexually. It was great to live like a normal, married couple for a while. I felt better prepared to continue the difficult work of infertility treatment.”

THE STRESS MYTH
“Infertility is caused by stress. Try to relax. Take a vacation or a cruise.”

Infertility is seldom the result of psychological factors. In 90 percent of all infertility cases, infertility specialists are able to determine a physical problem. According to Resolve, the national infertility support organization, “Psychological stress is more likely a result of infertility than the cause.”

“THE DOCTOR ALWAYS KNOWS BEST” MYTH
“I trust my doctor, and so I will go along with whatever treatment is suggested without question.”

It is important to have an honest, trusting relationship with your physician. If you have such a relationship, he or she will not object to your asking questions. It is in everyone’s interest for you to be fully informed about the treatments that are available to you. What seems appropriate to your physician as a next step in treatment, may or may not be right for you either physically, financially, emotionally, or spiritually.

THE ADOPTION MYTH
“We would consider adoption, but it is so expensive and it takes such a long time to get a baby.”

While some adoption programs can be expensive, U.S. citizens can take advantage of the Adoption Tax Credit which became available on January 1, 2002 and is a credit of up to $10,390. Most families qualify for this credit which helps make adoption very affordable. Some agencies, such as Bethany Christian Services, offer low-cost loans or other financial aid for adoptive families. While it is true that some families wait for a period of time before receiving a baby, there are many adoptable children waiting for a home right now. Should you decide to adopt, do not assume that you will have a long wait.

THE “NUMBER ONE GOAL IN LIFE” MYTH

“Having a baby is the most important thing in my life. If I can’t have one, I don’t know what I will do.”

Becoming a parent is an important goal, but for Christians, the goal of becoming a parent may never be “number one.” Other, more important. goals include thanking and glorifying God, rejoicing in the husband or wife He has given us, and seeking opportunities to serve others in His name. It is not easy to face infertility and continue to praise His name, but the Old Testament prophet Habbakuk provides a wonderful model:
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, although there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” (Habbakuk 3:17-18 NIV)

Source: Click Here

if at first you don't succeed...take a break!

Several of you have asked me how our "baby making" efforts have been going. Well, obviously, they aren't working. :-) But, to keep you up to date on what we've been doing, here's a recap of what we've been through up to this point. {If you aren't interested, feel free to skip over this post. I won't be offended. Much. ;-)} This is partly for you to know what's going on with us, partly to help anyone out there who might be going through the same thing, and partly for my own benefit so I can have a journal of what we've been through. Ok, back on track...

In September 2006, Baron & I (ok really it was mostly me, and I talked Baron into it) decided we were ready to start trying to have a baby. I stopped taking my birth control, and at first my attitude was "we won't try, but we won't not try". That didn't last long. I was counting days & reading online articles about how to get pregnant after the first month.

For several months, I was discouraged that I wasn't pregnant yet, but I also realized that it takes most couples up to a year to get pregnant. So I was ok. Until the one-year mark started getting close. I started charting, taking my basal temperature, and doing the at-home ovulation predictor tests. Everything appeared normal, and I still wasn't pregnant. Then I decided to pursue this thing a little more. I talked to my doctor about what to do next {this is my new doctor; I had switched because my other gyno doesn't deliver babies anymore & I thought I would need an OB soon...little did I know}. That's when I started having blood work done once a month to check my progesterone level. {Your progesterone is at a certain level when you get to day 21 of your cycle, if you ovulated successfully.} Every month, my progesterone level was normal. My doctor suggested I try Clomid, because sometimes you can be ovulating "regularly" but not necessarily "effectively", and Clomid can sometimes help. Well, I took the lowest dose that Clomid is administered in {50 mg}, and when I went in for my 21-day progesterone blood work, my levels were WAY too high. Just looking at my test results, my nurse actually thought I might be pregnant...with twins. Yikes. So the Clomid had overstimulated my ovaries, which can cause ovarian cysts, so I didn't take Clomid anymore. Also during this time, Baron was tested {guys only have one test they have to take...while us girls have like a million...BOOOO...} and his test results were normal.

The next step was to have a hysterosalpingogram {HSG}, which is a procedure to determine if your Fallopian tubes are blocked. At that time, it was November {2007} and nearing the holiday season, and the nurse said it could be hard to schedule the procedure with the doctors going on vacation, and the procedure has to be done at a certain time of the month, yadda yadda yadda, so I opted not to do it at that time. Well, in January 2008, while I was at Last Hour chaperoning a bunch of teenagers, I had what I can only describe as a knock on the noggin. {Click here to read my previous post about it.} This was a major spiritual experience for me, because I had finally felt at peace with waiting on God's plan in my life. I was ok with waiting.

The only problem with me at that point in time is that I was only thinking of myself. I was ok with waiting, but I hadn't even considered Baron's feelings. When a couple struggles with infertility, that's just it: the couple struggles. I was so focused on how well I was doing that I hadn't even thought of how Baron was doing. And I found out in March that he wasn't as keen on waiting as I was. I just didn't even realize how badly he wanted a baby. So, I called up my doctor and scheduled the HSG. I was very nervous because I didn't quite know what to expect. My appointment was in April, and when I got to the hospital, I got myself so worked up & nervous over the procedure that I passed out after it was over. Yep, I'm a wimp. The procedure wasn't even that bad. I'm just a wimp. :-) But the good news is that the test was normal. My tubes aren't blocked.

So now what? I got a call from Dr. Dupre later that week, and he told me I had two options. (1) Go back on Clomid, but cut the pills in half to get a lower dosage, or (2) have laparoscopic surgery to give the doctor a chance to "look around" inside me. Dr. Dupre said I am at a very low risk for finding anything in a laparoscopy, so of course I opted to try Clomid again.

I was on Clomid from May through July, when I decided to stop taking it. For a couple of reasons: first of all, Clomid has a few possible side effects, one of which is hot flashes, and let me tell you - those about drove me crazy. I do NOT look forward to menopause after experiencing those.

The other reason I decided to come off Clomid: I need a break. It's been almost 2 years since we started trying, and it's tiring. It's emotionally and mentally stressful, and I am ready to quit. Honestly, part of me wants to just give up altogether. I know that will change, so instead of calling this "quitting" I'm calling it a "break". And to be honest, it is a huge relief to know that for at least a few months, I won't be taking Clomid, or getting blood work, or watching the calendar, or paying attention to my cervical fluid {sorry, TMI}, or scheduling sex {sorry, TMI again}, or having a procedure done. Whew.

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More info:

Overview of Infertility
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
Home Remedies for Infertility
Estrogen Dominance
Natural Horomone Balancing

wilderness

Have you ever felt called by God to fulfill a role? Ministers, missionaries, teachers, doctors...God calls people to so many different roles. I've never felt "called" by God to take any specific career path. That is, until I began to feel the strongest instinct I've ever felt - a desire to become a mother (yes, I do consider motherhood a career!). Almost 2 years ago, Baron & I decided it was time to start a family. God had a different plan for our lives. So, I have felt this calling from God...and I have to wait for it. Have you ever experienced that? It's like when you answer the phone, and the person on the other end says "hang on" as soon as you answer. Wait a minute - you called me! Why do I have to "hang on"? What sense does it make for God to call me to something and then make me wait for it? I thought about this question the other day, and it suddenly hit me that Baron has been through that same experience, and he was much more patient than I was. While he was working at Alfa, he knew that God wanted him to be in ministry. But at the same time, he also heard God telling him "Wait." So Baron waited, and God provided. I had no idea at the time what a wonderful example he would be for me. It is a little easier for me to "wait" on God having seen an example (through Baron's life) of the awesome blessings on the other side of waiting.


Please continue to pray for us. In my head & my heart I know this is God's will for our lives, and that provides me with so much peace...but I still get frustrated, upset, and confused at times. Thanks for the continued prayers!

in God's waiting room

I received this daily devotional from The Purpose Driven Life, and it really speaks to me. It's something I know in my head, but I'm still trying to grasp in my heart. I need reminders like this throughout my journey as Baron & I wait for a baby.

Risks in Faith: When God Delays
by Rick Warren

For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3 (NIV)

If you ever find yourself in God’s waiting room – waiting for an answer, a change, or a miracle – you just need to stop and trust God. He’s never late or in a hurry, because his timing is perfect.

When I started Saddleback Church, I had no idea that it would take 15 years and 10,000 weekly attenders for us to have our own land and our own building. At Saddleback’s very first church service I said, “Someday we’re going to buy at least 50 acres. But we’re not going to do it for the first five years because we’re going to put all our money into people and programs.”

Seven years after that first worship service it looked like we were well on our way to having our own building. Our people had sacrificed to raise money for land – canceling vacations, working second jobs, selling diamond rings, and giving from their pensions.

We finally found the right piece of land but we needed another $1.2 million to close the deal. In the last 60 days of 1987, the people in this church gave the needed funds and the land was ours.

Two years later, though, we still were working out zoning details with the county supervisors and they decided to delay us indefinitely.

My wife, Kay, was upset with me – and with God. She prayed: “God, you have been unfair to us. We have tried to do this exactly the way you told us with faith, honesty, and integrity. God, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but let me in on it because I don’t get it!”

God responded: “Kay, what is it to you if I allow every church on the face of the earth to have a building and land and Saddleback never does? Will you still follow me?”

She answered, “Yes, Lord, I will.”

That experience helped me really know the truth of John 13:7, when Jesus said: “You do not realize now what I'm doing but later you will understand” (NIV).

That same truth is communicated in 2 Corinthians 1:9: “This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead” (NIV).

So often it looks like God is delaying or denying us, but his timing is perfect. Next time you feel like you’re in God’s waiting room, trust that God is working in his own perfect time on his own perfect plan – which is so much better than anything we can plan or dream.

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

cure for infertility!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hands (ok actually on my computer) the cure for infertility! My dad passed along this recipe that an elderly woman from church gave him 20 or so years ago. I can't WAIT to try this!!!

I'm comin' out!

No, I’m not coming out of the closet. I suppose that would definitely get your attention. I’ve decided to share some personal stuff via my public-but-not-really blog. If you read my blog purely for entertainment purposes, you might want to skip this post. Actually, if you read my blog purely for entertainment purposes, you are probably continually disappointed. :-)


Anyway…what I want to share with everyone is what’s been going on with me & Baron for the past year & 4 months. We’ve been trying to have a baby, and (obviously) have not been successful. After trying for almost a year, I started to get very frustrated. I noticed more & more the incompetent parents toting their babies in public. I was bitter toward teenagers who found out they were pregnant after “one mistake”. I even found myself getting angry at stupid Brittney Spears & her stupid little sister. (I won’t even get started on that subject!) Don’t get me wrong – in my mind, I knew that God would make this happen in His time. But I couldn’t help but be frustrated, confused, and at times, angry. I tried to be patient & I even convinced myself that I WAS being patient…until about 2 weeks ago when I finally realized I was not truly waiting on God. I was chaperoning at Last Hour, and I was sitting in one of the sessions listening to Randy Harris talk about Heaven. I don’t remember what he was talking about (I promise I was paying attention!), but all of a sudden it hit me: I don’t NEED a baby. I desperately WANT a baby, but really all I need is a relationship with my God. I know that sounds SO profound, but at that moment I realized that it really isn’t up to me.


So, I decided not to try to make this mine. I had been going to the doctor, I was getting blood work every month (those tests came out normal every month), I tried Clomid (a mild fertility drug) & it basically over-stimulated me so I came off it, Baron was tested (those results were normal as well), and I was about to have a procedure done this month for another test…but I decided to stop all of that. For several reasons: 1) the monthly blood work was getting expensive ($35 co-pay each month adds up, & the expenses would only keep piling up), 2) I kept getting the same test results every month – normal, and 3) the most important reason: I know in my heart that when I do get pregnant, it will be to God’s glory; but if I get pregnant without the help of medicine, doctors, etc, it will be that much more evident to the world that it’s a God thing. Does that make sense? I just really want this to be all about God, and not about me or Baron or my doctor or the latest infertility procedure. I’m not saying I won’t eventually go back to trying some of that stuff, and I’m certainly not saying I have a problem with any of those avenues. But for now, I am at peace with God’s plan. Finally.


Speaking of God’s plan…you know how everyone always says “this is happening for a reason”? Well, I don’t think it is a coincidence that Baron & I will be debt free by the end of this year, and there is no way that would have happened if we had a baby. Also, I do plan to be a stay-at-home mom, and I have recently (in the past week) been given an opportunity at work to minister to one of my co-workers. If I’d already quit my job, I wouldn’t have this opportunity. I don’t believe in coincidences.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.