still learning to trust Him...

They say that after the first trimester of pregnancy, the chances of miscarriage drop drastically. So, when I passed my 13-week mark without any problems, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Yesterday I had my monthly doctor visit. Baron went with me because they were going to find the heartbeat with the Doppler for the first time. It was a miracle in itself that we only had to wait 10-15 minutes to go back to the exam room. After weighing me & taking my blood pressure, Nurse Patty left to get the Doppler. When she came back, she squirted the cold gel on my belly and began searching. She searched for a minute or two, and then made a humorous comment about the baby giving us trouble so it must be a girl. After a couple of minutes of trying, she explained to me that sometimes the placenta is in front of the baby and the Doppler can't get the heartbeat. So she wanted to do an ultrasound.

That's when I got nervous. But part of me was excited about getting to see little Zippy on the screen again. We went to the ultrasound room, and the tech started doing her thing. She asked me when I last had an ultrasound, and I told her it was pretty early. She then proceeded to explain to me that the baby had stopped developing after about 7 weeks. I was confused. I looked at the screen. There was little Zippy, motionless and with no heartbeat pounding. He looked the same as he did when I had my vaginal ultrasound. When the tech asked me, "Do you understand what that means?", it hit me. My baby was gone. I didn't know what to think or say. She left me & Baron in the room for a minute before we went back to the exam room to talk to Dr. Dupre. What's going on? This isn't supposed to happen to ME. I've already struggled to get pregnant - why can't I have this baby?

Dr. Dupre is awesome. He is so matter-of-fact, but with the best approach. He explained to me (like 100 times) that this wasn't my fault. There's nothing I could have done to prevent this. Sometimes it just happens. 20% of the time, as a matter of fact. He called it a "missing miscarriage" - meaning, the baby did not survive but my body has not rejected it yet, so we didn't know it happened until we looked for the heartbeat. He then scheduled me for a D&C, which I will have tomorrow. {Side note: please pray for that procedure...oddly enough, my biggest concern is the IV they will put in me for the anesthesia. I'm a wimp. I could easily pass out.}

So, I know this is a depressing post. I needed to post this for two reasons: (1) I want to get the word out as thoroughly as I can so I can start moving on, and (2) it is very therapeutic for me to write about this experience. Please pray for me & Baron {and our families, as they, of course, were very excited and are now saddened as well} over the next few days/weeks. Obviously I've never been through this process so I don't know what to expect. Last night was a very difficult night for both of us, emotionally, and we are better today but we know it's not over. We are trusting God that this is His plan for us...as unfair and wrong as it seems at the moment. I cannot comprehend why this would be God's plan, but since we have chosen to live lives following Him, I know that it is.