Wednesday, March 11, 2009

still learning to trust Him...

They say that after the first trimester of pregnancy, the chances of miscarriage drop drastically. So, when I passed my 13-week mark without any problems, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Yesterday I had my monthly doctor visit. Baron went with me because they were going to find the heartbeat with the Doppler for the first time. It was a miracle in itself that we only had to wait 10-15 minutes to go back to the exam room. After weighing me & taking my blood pressure, Nurse Patty left to get the Doppler. When she came back, she squirted the cold gel on my belly and began searching. She searched for a minute or two, and then made a humorous comment about the baby giving us trouble so it must be a girl. After a couple of minutes of trying, she explained to me that sometimes the placenta is in front of the baby and the Doppler can't get the heartbeat. So she wanted to do an ultrasound.

That's when I got nervous. But part of me was excited about getting to see little Zippy on the screen again. We went to the ultrasound room, and the tech started doing her thing. She asked me when I last had an ultrasound, and I told her it was pretty early. She then proceeded to explain to me that the baby had stopped developing after about 7 weeks. I was confused. I looked at the screen. There was little Zippy, motionless and with no heartbeat pounding. He looked the same as he did when I had my vaginal ultrasound. When the tech asked me, "Do you understand what that means?", it hit me. My baby was gone. I didn't know what to think or say. She left me & Baron in the room for a minute before we went back to the exam room to talk to Dr. Dupre. What's going on? This isn't supposed to happen to ME. I've already struggled to get pregnant - why can't I have this baby?

Dr. Dupre is awesome. He is so matter-of-fact, but with the best approach. He explained to me (like 100 times) that this wasn't my fault. There's nothing I could have done to prevent this. Sometimes it just happens. 20% of the time, as a matter of fact. He called it a "missing miscarriage" - meaning, the baby did not survive but my body has not rejected it yet, so we didn't know it happened until we looked for the heartbeat. He then scheduled me for a D&C, which I will have tomorrow. {Side note: please pray for that procedure...oddly enough, my biggest concern is the IV they will put in me for the anesthesia. I'm a wimp. I could easily pass out.}

So, I know this is a depressing post. I needed to post this for two reasons: (1) I want to get the word out as thoroughly as I can so I can start moving on, and (2) it is very therapeutic for me to write about this experience. Please pray for me & Baron {and our families, as they, of course, were very excited and are now saddened as well} over the next few days/weeks. Obviously I've never been through this process so I don't know what to expect. Last night was a very difficult night for both of us, emotionally, and we are better today but we know it's not over. We are trusting God that this is His plan for us...as unfair and wrong as it seems at the moment. I cannot comprehend why this would be God's plan, but since we have chosen to live lives following Him, I know that it is.

16 comments:

  1. Oh Laura. I am just speechless, and just can't believe it. There is absolutely nothing I can say that you don't already know - except that we are praying for you both - for STRENGTH, COMFORT, PEACE AND UNDERSTANDING. We love you both!

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  2. Laura, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you, Baron and your families. We love you all very much.

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  3. I just don't know what to say except that I am so sorry for your loss. Keep us updated when you feel ready and thank you for sharing.

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  4. Laura my heart aches for you right now. I am so sorry! You and Baron will be in my prayers!

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  5. Laura, I am so sorry that you have to go down this road. Please know that I am in prayer for you.

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  6. Laura, we are so sorry for you. I know you know everyone will be praying for you to get through this.

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  7. Laura, I have chills right now and tears streaming down my face. Even though I have never met you, I feel I have gone on this journey with you and have loved you and your baby already! My heart is aching for you. Your first beautiful child is in heaven right now with my first two! That thought makes me happy, that they're up there playing together. I know that nothing anyone can ever say will make your heart happy, but I know there are so many praying for you and loving on you and your husband. Please let me know if you ever need to vent or if you have any questions about anything because I know I have experienced your exact kind of grief. There is nothing like it and not a day of dealing with it is easy. Some day you WILL hold a beautiful baby in your arms! I just know it. Love ya!

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  8. Laura~ I am so sorry. I will be praying for you, Baron and your families. Please let me know if we can do anything.

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  9. I'm SO sorry. I'll be praying for ya'll. I'm very impressed by your great attitude about everything.

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  10. I am so sorry. We are praying for you. I know it's hard, I remember all the feelings I had when Alisha went through it. Know we are here for you and will do anything for you we can. God always has a plan.

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  11. This really sucks. Praying for you guys. Love you.

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  12. I'm with Ashley. This just sucks. I'm praying that God carries you both through this storm and that you will always be able to feel His presence.
    love you both.

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  13. Laura, you don't know me at all...I am a friend of Judy's. I just wanted to let you know that my heart is breaking for you and my husband and I are are both praying for you guys. I have no words of encouragement, just wanted to let you know that people all over are lifting you up to the Lord!

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  14. I am so sorry! My heart aches for you right now! We had a miscarriage before TJ and no one really seems to understand that it is the death of a child, its a whole in your heart. You never forget it but you get through it and you can use this to help others that will go through it! please feel free to call me if you need to talk. I know that you have a awesome family that is going to help support you through this really hard time!

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  15. You are in my prayers. I am so sorry!

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  16. Laura,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Please know you and Baron are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Amy

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