Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I feel like my blog is bipolar because I go back & forth so much between serious posts & lighthearted posts. :-) But that might give you a little indication of how my emotions are right now, so maybe it's a good thing.

I want to write some more about my miscarriage. For several reasons: 1) writing about it helps me sort through my emotions & serves as good therapy, 2) I want other people who experience a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and 3) it serves as a journal for me to look back on in the future. So, before I really begin this post, please know that it's gonna be a serious one, and it may even seem a little Debbie Downer at times. I know this isn't the most fun post to read, so it's ok if you decide to skip this one. But I hope you will continue, just to get an idea of what's going on in my head & in my heart {as scary as it may be to know what's in my head}.

If you have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of an infant, you may know a little about what Baron & I have been going through during the past 2 weeks. I have felt the most sadness that I have ever felt in my life. Disappointment, confusion, emptiness...and just overall sadness. I was pregnant, and now I am not.

I miss being pregnant. I miss our baby inside of me, growing. I miss worrying about how much caffeine I'd consumed. I miss the weird taste changes. I miss talking with my friends who are currently pregnant about what I could have expected over the next few weeks & months. I miss being indecisive about baby names. I miss being aggravated by the ever-frequent "how are you feeling?" from every person I know. I miss seeing my mom glow every time she told someone I was pregnant. I miss daydreaming about my first child having so many friends whose mommies are my friends. I miss my dad referring to our baby as "Little Zippy". I sorely miss being pregnant.

Don't misunderstand; I am not completely downtrodden all the time. I am fully capable of laughing & smiling & going about my "normal" day. But there are times when it gets hard. Shopping for a baby gift for a friend. Attending baby showers (which I haven't brought myself to do just yet). Getting an e-mail from someone who hasn't yet heard about the miscarriage & they ask how the pregnancy is going. Or worse, seeing someone in public who doesn't yet know, and fighting back the tears as I explain that I was pregnant but I'm not any more. The toughest times are when I am alone, left with my thoughts. But I have come to the realization that it's ok to think about it. It's ok to be sad. In fact, I need to feel those emotions. Part of the healing process involves getting through the pain; confronting the emotions. It's better for me to feel the emotions than to push them aside in an attempt to "move on". {That's part of the reason I am writing this post.}

There is a book I am reading right now that a friend of mine ordered for me. It's called Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. It is an excellent book for comfort after the loss of an unborn or newly born child. The author uses scripture and introspective questions to help the reader walk through the grieving process. This book, coupled with the scripture it references, has been an amazing help for me. One of the passages that stood out to me the most is from Psalm 139 ~ "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...your eyes saw my unformed body." God created my baby. God knit her together in my womb. God's eyes saw her unformed body. And now, God has her with Him in heaven. How incredible is that? I never saw this baby. I never got to hold her in my arms. I never got to rock her to sleep, or sing her a lullaby, or give her a bath, or nurse her, or take her for a walk, or watch her sleep, or watch her play with her daddy. But she is living a life now with her Father that is better than all the days she would have spent here on earth. And that, friends, is the only thing that gives me comfort right now. Because that is what really matters anyway - time spent with our Father. Little Zippy Goins is spending her days praising God the Father. And so, I will try my hardest to do the same.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

{P.S. If you or someone you know has experienced a miscarriage & you want to talk about it, or if you're just curious & have specific questions, feel free to e-mail me: Obviously I can't cover all the topics I would like in one blog post. I could go on & on about it...but I'm probably already losing readers as it is!}


  1. Your blog is YOUR space to do exactly what you are doing here. Thank you for sharing with those of us, like myself, who care about what you are going through but don't have the opportunity to check in with you in "the real world".

    I am praying for you and Baron... (btw - is it too much to ask if little Zippy was a girl? because you refer to Baby as a girl, and I know they do tests and whatnot so... I thought maybe you found out... just curious...)

    Do what you need to do to heal, both physically and emotionally. Don't worry about your readers - we are here to listen!!

  2. No, we didn't find out the gender of the baby. I thought it was easier to pick one instead of typing "he/she" every time. And I refuse to refer to the baby as an "it"...not that I get offended by that or anything; it just didn't go with the mood of the post. :-) Anyway I had a feeling the baby was a girl, despite everyone around me guessing that she would be a boy, so I used "her" in my post.

    Wow, that was a long explanation.

  3. Laura, Im still praying for you often. God will heal your heart in time. Until then, grieve as much as you need to. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you!

  4. Moms are usually right, in my experience. A girl she shall be.

    Still thinking of you...

  5. Laura, once again, I am balling my eyes out right now. You know that I understand EVERY single thing you are feeling right now!!! I wrote these exact same words 2 years ago at this exact time when I was going through it. There is nothing anyone can ever do or say to take away even one tear that you shed for your sweet and perfect baby. You are now a walking testimony of someone experiencing the loss of a child and you will use this to help soooooo many women out there who can't think they can make it through another day. Praise God for examples who help us through these trials! Praise God for wrapping His arms around our sweet babies and taking care of them until we meet them again in Heaven some day! Of course I could not honestly admit these praises until AFTER I was out of the midst of my pain, but now I know exactly what God's plan was, or is. I love you, Laura!

  6. Hi there and (((HUGS)))

    I just wanted to invite you to a great online group - - once you've made 10 posts you can see more - it is an awesome support group for Chrisitan women facing infertility. There's even a real-life retreat in a few weeks.

    Just wanted to invite you :)