Monday, January 14, 2008

I'm comin' out!

No, I’m not coming out of the closet. I suppose that would definitely get your attention. I’ve decided to share some personal stuff via my public-but-not-really blog. If you read my blog purely for entertainment purposes, you might want to skip this post. Actually, if you read my blog purely for entertainment purposes, you are probably continually disappointed. :-)


Anyway…what I want to share with everyone is what’s been going on with me & Baron for the past year & 4 months. We’ve been trying to have a baby, and (obviously) have not been successful. After trying for almost a year, I started to get very frustrated. I noticed more & more the incompetent parents toting their babies in public. I was bitter toward teenagers who found out they were pregnant after “one mistake”. I even found myself getting angry at stupid Brittney Spears & her stupid little sister. (I won’t even get started on that subject!) Don’t get me wrong – in my mind, I knew that God would make this happen in His time. But I couldn’t help but be frustrated, confused, and at times, angry. I tried to be patient & I even convinced myself that I WAS being patient…until about 2 weeks ago when I finally realized I was not truly waiting on God. I was chaperoning at Last Hour, and I was sitting in one of the sessions listening to Randy Harris talk about Heaven. I don’t remember what he was talking about (I promise I was paying attention!), but all of a sudden it hit me: I don’t NEED a baby. I desperately WANT a baby, but really all I need is a relationship with my God. I know that sounds SO profound, but at that moment I realized that it really isn’t up to me.


So, I decided not to try to make this mine. I had been going to the doctor, I was getting blood work every month (those tests came out normal every month), I tried Clomid (a mild fertility drug) & it basically over-stimulated me so I came off it, Baron was tested (those results were normal as well), and I was about to have a procedure done this month for another test…but I decided to stop all of that. For several reasons: 1) the monthly blood work was getting expensive ($35 co-pay each month adds up, & the expenses would only keep piling up), 2) I kept getting the same test results every month – normal, and 3) the most important reason: I know in my heart that when I do get pregnant, it will be to God’s glory; but if I get pregnant without the help of medicine, doctors, etc, it will be that much more evident to the world that it’s a God thing. Does that make sense? I just really want this to be all about God, and not about me or Baron or my doctor or the latest infertility procedure. I’m not saying I won’t eventually go back to trying some of that stuff, and I’m certainly not saying I have a problem with any of those avenues. But for now, I am at peace with God’s plan. Finally.


Speaking of God’s plan…you know how everyone always says “this is happening for a reason”? Well, I don’t think it is a coincidence that Baron & I will be debt free by the end of this year, and there is no way that would have happened if we had a baby. Also, I do plan to be a stay-at-home mom, and I have recently (in the past week) been given an opportunity at work to minister to one of my co-workers. If I’d already quit my job, I wouldn’t have this opportunity. I don’t believe in coincidences.


And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

19 comments:

  1. Laura,
    You are such a strong and amazing woman of God. I am so glad to hear you have made peace with this. Everything is on God's timing. And I can not sit here and say I would carry myself any differently than you have. It may have taken me longer to come to peace with it. I look up to you so much and you are amazing. I love you! You are still and will continue to be in our prayers.

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  2. This is another one of those things in life that you can know intellectually and really think you've got an understanding of it... until your heart gets it, too!! Then it's kind of amazing?!!

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  3. hey baby. I can't tell you how proud I am of you. I know it's been confusing and frustrating. We'll keep praying and see where God leads us. Thanks for being such a tremendous blessing to me. I love you!

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  4. Amen! Excellent thoughts,well said.

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  5. hey laura~what strength, wisdom, peace and testimony God is giving you to pass on and share with the child He gives you in His own time. I will certainly be praying for the two of you, and can't wait to see where He leads you next. Thanks for sharing this with us.

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  6. Did you hear that Judy is pregnant?

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  7. I have had your thoughts (not with infertility), and I also realized that if I put as much time and work into my relationship with God, these other things in my life would even out. That was big for me. You are so not alone in your struggles- visit Angie and Robyn's blogs on my site. I think it will encourage you. They have both taken different roads in their fertility struggles. And, both have peace with their decision! Don't ever forget Hannah and her desire to have a baby. God surely knows how you both feel!

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  8. I have had your thoughts (not with infertility), and I also realized that if I put as much time and work into my relationship with God, these other things in my life would even out. That was big for me. You are so not alone in your struggles- visit Angie and Robyn's blogs on my site. I think it will encourage you. They have both taken different roads in their fertility struggles. And, both have peace with their decision! Don't ever forget Hannah and her desire to have a baby. God surely knows how you both feel!

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  9. Also - good girl for getting debt free first. Set yourself up to stay at home when that baby does come. You and Baron will never regret that. We love you!

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  10. Sounds like you are at a very peaceful moment in your life. It's good to see your matureness and ability to understand God in this. I don't know that I could be that strong.

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  11. I'm so proud and impressed that you are able to share this part of your life with everyone. I know it couldn't have been an easy decision. We will keep praying for a healthy baby.

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  12. DAD!! Let's please not start any rumors here!! :-)

    Thanks everyone for your kind words & prayers. I really don't think I am being strong through this - I am just relying on God. I think that's exactly the opposite of being strong. :-)

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  13. 2 cor. 12:10 (NLT) 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

    no doubt your faithful readers love you and baron and we surround you, support you and are praying for you.

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  14. Laura thank you for sharing your struggles. It is so amazing how God works in His time. You will be blessed!

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  15. Laura we'll be praying for you and Baron. Glad you are able to give it to God.

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  16. I hate how many times I have to learn the lesson that God is in control. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you... I appreciate your willingness to be transparent with all of us. Know I am continuing to pray for you... love you!!

    And Roxy, you sir are not funny at all!

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  17. I very much appreciate your transparency and your humility. I have 2 other dear friends who've been dealing with this for the past 3 years also, and it's so hard to understand God's apparent silence in response to the prayers. I know it must be hard, even on the best of days, but I believe being faithful does NOT mean being "happy" about God's plan, but in trusting him and continuing to seek him even when we aren't "happy."

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