wilderness

Have you ever felt called by God to fulfill a role? Ministers, missionaries, teachers, doctors...God calls people to so many different roles. I've never felt "called" by God to take any specific career path. That is, until I began to feel the strongest instinct I've ever felt - a desire to become a mother (yes, I do consider motherhood a career!). Almost 2 years ago, Baron & I decided it was time to start a family. God had a different plan for our lives. So, I have felt this calling from God...and I have to wait for it. Have you ever experienced that? It's like when you answer the phone, and the person on the other end says "hang on" as soon as you answer. Wait a minute - you called me! Why do I have to "hang on"? What sense does it make for God to call me to something and then make me wait for it? I thought about this question the other day, and it suddenly hit me that Baron has been through that same experience, and he was much more patient than I was. While he was working at Alfa, he knew that God wanted him to be in ministry. But at the same time, he also heard God telling him "Wait." So Baron waited, and God provided. I had no idea at the time what a wonderful example he would be for me. It is a little easier for me to "wait" on God having seen an example (through Baron's life) of the awesome blessings on the other side of waiting.


Please continue to pray for us. In my head & my heart I know this is God's will for our lives, and that provides me with so much peace...but I still get frustrated, upset, and confused at times. Thanks for the continued prayers!

in God's waiting room

I received this daily devotional from The Purpose Driven Life, and it really speaks to me. It's something I know in my head, but I'm still trying to grasp in my heart. I need reminders like this throughout my journey as Baron & I wait for a baby.

Risks in Faith: When God Delays
by Rick Warren

For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3 (NIV)

If you ever find yourself in God’s waiting room – waiting for an answer, a change, or a miracle – you just need to stop and trust God. He’s never late or in a hurry, because his timing is perfect.

When I started Saddleback Church, I had no idea that it would take 15 years and 10,000 weekly attenders for us to have our own land and our own building. At Saddleback’s very first church service I said, “Someday we’re going to buy at least 50 acres. But we’re not going to do it for the first five years because we’re going to put all our money into people and programs.”

Seven years after that first worship service it looked like we were well on our way to having our own building. Our people had sacrificed to raise money for land – canceling vacations, working second jobs, selling diamond rings, and giving from their pensions.

We finally found the right piece of land but we needed another $1.2 million to close the deal. In the last 60 days of 1987, the people in this church gave the needed funds and the land was ours.

Two years later, though, we still were working out zoning details with the county supervisors and they decided to delay us indefinitely.

My wife, Kay, was upset with me – and with God. She prayed: “God, you have been unfair to us. We have tried to do this exactly the way you told us with faith, honesty, and integrity. God, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but let me in on it because I don’t get it!”

God responded: “Kay, what is it to you if I allow every church on the face of the earth to have a building and land and Saddleback never does? Will you still follow me?”

She answered, “Yes, Lord, I will.”

That experience helped me really know the truth of John 13:7, when Jesus said: “You do not realize now what I'm doing but later you will understand” (NIV).

That same truth is communicated in 2 Corinthians 1:9: “This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead” (NIV).

So often it looks like God is delaying or denying us, but his timing is perfect. Next time you feel like you’re in God’s waiting room, trust that God is working in his own perfect time on his own perfect plan – which is so much better than anything we can plan or dream.

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

the waiting is the hardest part

I came across this devotional from The Purpose-Driven Life site, and it was really good so I thought I'd share!

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part by Jon Walker

But Sarai, Abram's wife, had no children. So Sarai took her servant, an Egyptian woman named Hagar, and gave her to Abram so she could bear his children. “The LORD has kept me from having any children,” Sarai said to Abram. “Go and sleep with my servant. Perhaps I can have children through her.” And Abram agreed. (Genesis 16:1-2 NLT)

*** *** *** ***

And so Sarai took it upon herself to solve God’s problem. After all, God told Sarai’s husband, Abram, that he’d have a huge family, more descendants than there are stars in the sky. (Genesis 15)

Sarai waited and waited for God to provide their first descendant, but the baby didn’t come. She waited week after week, hopeful that God would answer her prayers, that God would make good on his promise. Every day, the tension and the frustration mounted. As the musician, Tom Petty, sings: “The waiting is the hardest part.”

Like me – perhaps like you – Sarai began to wonder if God would ever answer her prayers. She wondered if God had forgotten about her, as if God’s promise had been mis-filed or improperly prioritized in the perceived bureaucracy of heaven. Perhaps – like you, like me – Sarai questioned whether God really knew what he was doing.

It appears Sarai’s thoughts walked as far as her faith would carry her, and then she stood looking at the mountains of her fear. Did God understand how important this was to her? How could God deny her the greatest desire of her heart? Was God even on her side?

Even as Sarai acknowledged God’s ability to fulfill the promise – “The LORD has kept me from having any children …” – yet she denied God’s sovereignty to decide when the promise would be fulfilled.

And so Sarai took it upon herself to fulfill the promise, no longer trusting God to do his job. The waiting is the hardest part, and Sarai was tired of the wait.

Sitting in a humid tent, she hears the support poles creak; she hears, through the open flaps, a camel snort; and she hears … was that a voice, like the hiss of a serpent, saying, "Really? Did God really say your husband would be the father of a family so vast it would surpass the number of stars in the sky?" (Consider Genesis 3.)

Sarai said, “God can, but he won’t." Or maybe she said, "God can’t figure this out.” Looking through the tent’s door, she saw her servant Hagar, and in that moment she saw the solution, though she didn’t see the Pandora’s Box she would soon open. Perhaps she even though, "Of course! This is probably the answer God meant for me to see all along."

Her faith was collapsing, but so was Abram’s, for when Sarai suggested the solution was through Hagar, Abram agreed.

So what does this mean?

Waiting for God is hard – God is not surprised when we’re honest about our frustrations and fears. Often God requires us to wait because he’s trying to show us the end of our faith, stretching our faith, not condemning us for the lack of it. In these moments, seek God and not the answer.

Whose side are you on? – Sarai believed her assumptions more than God’s promise. She wonders why God was no longer on her side – "Why is the LORD keeping this from me?" – instead of confessing that she was no longer on God’s side. Ask God to help you identify the places in your life where you’re saying, "The LORD is keeping this from me!" What will you do with what he reveals to you?

God opens and closes doors – Even as Sarai took matters into her own hands, she acknowledged God had the power to provide more heirs than there were stars in the sky. If we could ask Sarai, "Can God?" she probably would answer yes. If we then asked Sarai, "Will God?" her honest answer would appear to have been no. When faced with a delayed answer, do you break with God? What does manipulating an answer to your prayer say about your belief in the character of God? What does "giving up on God" say about the depth of your faith?

Restoring your faith – Like mastery-based education, God’s interest is that you master the lessons of faith. He wants you to succeed in your lessons, able to walk further in faith each day. So failure is not defeat; he will continue to teach you – and stretch you – until walking by faith and not by sight is as natural as breathing. Tell God, "I believe; help my unbelief!”

I'm comin' out!

No, I’m not coming out of the closet. I suppose that would definitely get your attention. I’ve decided to share some personal stuff via my public-but-not-really blog. If you read my blog purely for entertainment purposes, you might want to skip this post. Actually, if you read my blog purely for entertainment purposes, you are probably continually disappointed. :-)


Anyway…what I want to share with everyone is what’s been going on with me & Baron for the past year & 4 months. We’ve been trying to have a baby, and (obviously) have not been successful. After trying for almost a year, I started to get very frustrated. I noticed more & more the incompetent parents toting their babies in public. I was bitter toward teenagers who found out they were pregnant after “one mistake”. I even found myself getting angry at stupid Brittney Spears & her stupid little sister. (I won’t even get started on that subject!) Don’t get me wrong – in my mind, I knew that God would make this happen in His time. But I couldn’t help but be frustrated, confused, and at times, angry. I tried to be patient & I even convinced myself that I WAS being patient…until about 2 weeks ago when I finally realized I was not truly waiting on God. I was chaperoning at Last Hour, and I was sitting in one of the sessions listening to Randy Harris talk about Heaven. I don’t remember what he was talking about (I promise I was paying attention!), but all of a sudden it hit me: I don’t NEED a baby. I desperately WANT a baby, but really all I need is a relationship with my God. I know that sounds SO profound, but at that moment I realized that it really isn’t up to me.


So, I decided not to try to make this mine. I had been going to the doctor, I was getting blood work every month (those tests came out normal every month), I tried Clomid (a mild fertility drug) & it basically over-stimulated me so I came off it, Baron was tested (those results were normal as well), and I was about to have a procedure done this month for another test…but I decided to stop all of that. For several reasons: 1) the monthly blood work was getting expensive ($35 co-pay each month adds up, & the expenses would only keep piling up), 2) I kept getting the same test results every month – normal, and 3) the most important reason: I know in my heart that when I do get pregnant, it will be to God’s glory; but if I get pregnant without the help of medicine, doctors, etc, it will be that much more evident to the world that it’s a God thing. Does that make sense? I just really want this to be all about God, and not about me or Baron or my doctor or the latest infertility procedure. I’m not saying I won’t eventually go back to trying some of that stuff, and I’m certainly not saying I have a problem with any of those avenues. But for now, I am at peace with God’s plan. Finally.


Speaking of God’s plan…you know how everyone always says “this is happening for a reason”? Well, I don’t think it is a coincidence that Baron & I will be debt free by the end of this year, and there is no way that would have happened if we had a baby. Also, I do plan to be a stay-at-home mom, and I have recently (in the past week) been given an opportunity at work to minister to one of my co-workers. If I’d already quit my job, I wouldn’t have this opportunity. I don’t believe in coincidences.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.