delight. desires.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

We've all heard this passage so many times. There's even a song {or two, or three...} quoting it. It's a feel-good verse, and we like those. We think, "Yeah! That sounds good. I'll just 'delight myself in the Lord' and he'll give me whatever I want! Right?" Well, that may not be exactly what this verse means. So what does it mean?

I think that first we need to decide what exactly a "desire of the heart" is. Webster defines a desire as a "conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment". Note the words "promises enjoyment or satisfaction". This doesn't mean something that we think we want now, but later will come to regret it or grow bored with it. It's something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction. We can argue over whether or not this means a permanent enjoyment or satisfaction, but we'll save that argument for another day. :) Webster also defines a desire as a "longing; craving". These aren't words to describe a mere "want". These are strong words. I don't just want a child; I desire a child. I long for a child. Wants are a new TV, fashionable clothes, a cute nursery; material things. Desires are for relationships, ways of life, Godly wisdom; spiritual things.

So, if a desire is something that we long for, feel an impulse to, and crave, then how does that translate in this verse? Well, I'm no biblical scholar, but my personal interpretation is that the "desires of your heart" are those things that you truly madly deeply {to quote the great Savage Garden} want, and need. I know, I know - Webster's definition of desire doesn't include anything about a need. But perhaps God's definition does. And I interpret it that way because I know that God knows what I need, and he won't give me anything that he feels would harm me. {Jeremiah 29:11} Do I need that new TV? Probably not. Do I need relationships? Most definitely so.

Ok, so if we now know what "desires of your heart" are, then what is it we're supposed to do to obtain those desires? That's the easy part. Well, easy to understand; not as easy to do. Delight yourself in the Lord. What does it mean to delight yourself in someone? As defined by Webster {who, BTW, we have great faith in to provide accurate definitions, don't we?}, to "delight" means "to take great pleasure". So what do you take great pleasure in? Watching TV? Reading a book? Playing Farmville? Decorating your house? {Ouch, I just stepped on my own toes!} There's nothing wrong with taking pleasure in these things. But the bible tells us to "take great pleasure" in the Lord. If we're not doing that, how can we expect Him to give us the desires of our heart? He wants us to enjoy Him. Imagine that! Enjoying God? Having fun with the creator of the universe? Is that allowed? Well, not only is it allowed, but it's encouraged! Commanded, even!

Take great pleasure in the Lord, and He will give you the things that you need to provide great enjoyment.

Sounds good to me!

tat.

I posted a picture of this {along with a shorter explanation} on Facebook awhile back, but sometimes I inadvertently neglect the blogosphere because of my addicition to Facebook. So, I hereby apologize for neglecting those of you who still read my blog. If anyone is even still out there. Anyway, what I was saying was...

I got a tattoo.

This is a HUGE deal for me, as I am a HUGE wimp. I have a low tolerance for pain, and I have a needle phobia. Those two do not add up to a desire for a tattoo, and yet I have wanted a tattoo for awhile now. The two hindrances {besides pain + needle} were: a) where on my body to get one so as not to look like white trash, and b) what design to get. Since it's such a huge deal for me, it would have to be something significant; otherwise I wouldn't go through with it.

Well, back in July, Baron was on Wilderness Trek in Colorado with some of the teens from church. While he was out of the state for 9 days, I got this wondrous idea to get a tattoo while he was away. So of course, since I got the idea, and decided it was wondrous, I had my mind set on it. I had already decided I wanted it on the inside of my foot, below the ankle, but I didn't know what design to get. Something that signified my relationship with Christ. A cross? Maybe. A Jesus fish? No, cause I don't want to copy Judy. :-) An inspiring word written in Hebrew? Nah. I thought & thought & thought about it. Finally...it hit me. Romans 8:28. I wanted to somehow incorporate this scripture in my tattoo.

Some of you have heard Baron's story about why this scripture is significant to him. For those of you who haven't, I'll summarize. We were sitting at the wedding of two of our friends only a couple of months before we got married. The date was June 26th. Baron noticed the date on the program, and thought, "oh that's clever - they're getting married on 6/26, so it will be easy for him to remember his anniversary." And then it dawned on him - he & I were getting married on August 28th...8/28! And when he thought of the date that way, he thought of Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." This scripture was significant to Baron because he had been in a really bad relationship before moving back to Montgomery and eventually dating me. Because of all of the rotten stuff he went through, he was molded into the man that walked into my life and swept me off my feet. God brought us together - there's no doubt about that. But Baron had to spend some time "in the pits" {both figuratively & literally, when he was working in the grease pit at a machine shop} to get there.

Fast forward to our marriage. Since we've been married, we've been through 3 hurricanes & 1 tornado, dealt with infertility for 3 years, and & lost a precious baby through miscarriage. Through all of that - we are so much stronger. We are closer to each other than we thought we could be. I am closer to my God, when I didn't even realize I needed to be. I cannot even describe the difference inside of me since my miscarriage. Losing a baby after wanting one for so long - that kind of trial will take you one direction or the other, and I am so blessed that I grew closer to God through that horrible time in my life. So many blessings have come from these difficult times for me & Baron. And it can all be summed up by Romans 8:28.

So...that is the significance of the tattoo. All the junk Baron went through before meeting me, all the junk we've endured together since getting married...it's all for the good. God is working out His plan for our lives, and someday we will realize what all the mess was about.

decorative tile thingie

Romans 8:28 is a very special verse for me & Baron, for many reasons, so I've wanted to display it in our house for awhile now. I finally figured out an artful way to display it on a tile. I don't have good handwriting AT ALL, but I wanted to do this by hand to make it more personal. {AKA, I don't care if it looks sloppy; it's MINE. :-)}

struggling

I feel like my blog is bipolar because I go back & forth so much between serious posts & lighthearted posts. :-) But that might give you a little indication of how my emotions are right now, so maybe it's a good thing.

I want to write some more about my miscarriage. For several reasons: 1) writing about it helps me sort through my emotions & serves as good therapy, 2) I want other people who experience a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and 3) it serves as a journal for me to look back on in the future. So, before I really begin this post, please know that it's gonna be a serious one, and it may even seem a little Debbie Downer at times. I know this isn't the most fun post to read, so it's ok if you decide to skip this one. But I hope you will continue, just to get an idea of what's going on in my head & in my heart {as scary as it may be to know what's in my head}.

If you have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of an infant, you may know a little about what Baron & I have been going through during the past 2 weeks. I have felt the most sadness that I have ever felt in my life. Disappointment, confusion, emptiness...and just overall sadness. I was pregnant, and now I am not.

I miss being pregnant. I miss our baby inside of me, growing. I miss worrying about how much caffeine I'd consumed. I miss the weird taste changes. I miss talking with my friends who are currently pregnant about what I could have expected over the next few weeks & months. I miss being indecisive about baby names. I miss being aggravated by the ever-frequent "how are you feeling?" from every person I know. I miss seeing my mom glow every time she told someone I was pregnant. I miss daydreaming about my first child having so many friends whose mommies are my friends. I miss my dad referring to our baby as "Little Zippy". I sorely miss being pregnant.

Don't misunderstand; I am not completely downtrodden all the time. I am fully capable of laughing & smiling & going about my "normal" day. But there are times when it gets hard. Shopping for a baby gift for a friend. Attending baby showers (which I haven't brought myself to do just yet). Getting an e-mail from someone who hasn't yet heard about the miscarriage & they ask how the pregnancy is going. Or worse, seeing someone in public who doesn't yet know, and fighting back the tears as I explain that I was pregnant but I'm not any more. The toughest times are when I am alone, left with my thoughts. But I have come to the realization that it's ok to think about it. It's ok to be sad. In fact, I need to feel those emotions. Part of the healing process involves getting through the pain; confronting the emotions. It's better for me to feel the emotions than to push them aside in an attempt to "move on". {That's part of the reason I am writing this post.}

There is a book I am reading right now that a friend of mine ordered for me. It's called Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. It is an excellent book for comfort after the loss of an unborn or newly born child. The author uses scripture and introspective questions to help the reader walk through the grieving process. This book, coupled with the scripture it references, has been an amazing help for me. One of the passages that stood out to me the most is from Psalm 139 ~ "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...your eyes saw my unformed body." God created my baby. God knit her together in my womb. God's eyes saw her unformed body. And now, God has her with Him in heaven. How incredible is that? I never saw this baby. I never got to hold her in my arms. I never got to rock her to sleep, or sing her a lullaby, or give her a bath, or nurse her, or take her for a walk, or watch her sleep, or watch her play with her daddy. But she is living a life now with her Father that is better than all the days she would have spent here on earth. And that, friends, is the only thing that gives me comfort right now. Because that is what really matters anyway - time spent with our Father. Little Zippy Goins is spending her days praising God the Father. And so, I will try my hardest to do the same.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

{P.S. If you or someone you know has experienced a miscarriage & you want to talk about it, or if you're just curious & have specific questions, feel free to e-mail me: lerra73@charter.net. Obviously I can't cover all the topics I would like in one blog post. I could go on & on about it...but I'm probably already losing readers as it is!}

romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

When Baron & I got engaged, he used this verse to describe his journey in life before he met me, and how God brought the two of us together. Since then, we have used it as encouragement for life's little bumps, and also for a bigger "bump" - our struggle with infertility. Now I am relying on it even more to get us through this time. There is no way either of us could make it through something like this without God's presence, and we have totally felt his hand in our lives these past couple of days. That is mostly due to all of the prayers of our family & friends, and we cannot thank all of you enough! We are so blessed to have such awesome prayer warriors in our life. We thank God for all of you. I know this experience isn't over, but it is so much better with wonderful people surrounding us, and most importantly, an awesome God to hold us.

life in limbo

Baron & I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago that, in a way, made me feel a little more sane. I had been having the same thoughts that he expressed, and I thought it was just me, but apparently he has made the same observations. :-)

We are in limbo right now. Stuck in the middle. Most of our closest married friends have moved to the next stage in life - having children & starting families. We love hanging out with our friends and their kids. However, we sometimes feel like they would rather be with other parents - so the kids can play, to enjoy conversations about parenting, etc. And there is also a number of our friends who are a step behind us in life - newlyweds. So where does that put us? In the middle. We have gone through this before, when we were dating and most of our couple friends were getting married well before us. This morning in Bible class, we were studying Ecclesiastes and we discussed the "to everything there is a season" passage. While I know that this is just one season in life, it is still hard for me to accept the feeling that we suddenly ("suddenly" being a relative term) feel like we don't fit in a "group". It's sad for me at times, but I also try to remind myself that different stages in life cause healthy transitions. It's tough growing up, huh? :-)


I don't want this post to be whiny or depressing, so I will just close with the words from the passage in Ecclesiastes:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

peace

I recently came across this scripture and it really spoke to me because of where I am in my life. We usually use this passage for its focus on prayer, but I want you to pay special attention to the second half of this, which focuses on the benefits we reap from our faith in God through prayer.

Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers & requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think & feel. ~Philippians 4:6,7

short & sweet

For some reason, I felt the urge to post something insightful, thought-provoking, etc. But I'm sitting here at my desk at work, and I saw these scriptures that I have posted on my cubicle wall to help me cope with day-to-day stuff, and I decided to just let scripture speak for itself. This is a verse that helps me a lot. I have casually read it over & over, but when I stop & really think about it, it means the world to me. I challenge you to think about this verse and what it means to you personally.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

If you really & truly think about what that passage means, it is incredible! God is actually FOR you. Awesome.