struggling

I feel like my blog is bipolar because I go back & forth so much between serious posts & lighthearted posts. :-) But that might give you a little indication of how my emotions are right now, so maybe it's a good thing.

I want to write some more about my miscarriage. For several reasons: 1) writing about it helps me sort through my emotions & serves as good therapy, 2) I want other people who experience a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and 3) it serves as a journal for me to look back on in the future. So, before I really begin this post, please know that it's gonna be a serious one, and it may even seem a little Debbie Downer at times. I know this isn't the most fun post to read, so it's ok if you decide to skip this one. But I hope you will continue, just to get an idea of what's going on in my head & in my heart {as scary as it may be to know what's in my head}.

If you have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of an infant, you may know a little about what Baron & I have been going through during the past 2 weeks. I have felt the most sadness that I have ever felt in my life. Disappointment, confusion, emptiness...and just overall sadness. I was pregnant, and now I am not.

I miss being pregnant. I miss our baby inside of me, growing. I miss worrying about how much caffeine I'd consumed. I miss the weird taste changes. I miss talking with my friends who are currently pregnant about what I could have expected over the next few weeks & months. I miss being indecisive about baby names. I miss being aggravated by the ever-frequent "how are you feeling?" from every person I know. I miss seeing my mom glow every time she told someone I was pregnant. I miss daydreaming about my first child having so many friends whose mommies are my friends. I miss my dad referring to our baby as "Little Zippy". I sorely miss being pregnant.

Don't misunderstand; I am not completely downtrodden all the time. I am fully capable of laughing & smiling & going about my "normal" day. But there are times when it gets hard. Shopping for a baby gift for a friend. Attending baby showers (which I haven't brought myself to do just yet). Getting an e-mail from someone who hasn't yet heard about the miscarriage & they ask how the pregnancy is going. Or worse, seeing someone in public who doesn't yet know, and fighting back the tears as I explain that I was pregnant but I'm not any more. The toughest times are when I am alone, left with my thoughts. But I have come to the realization that it's ok to think about it. It's ok to be sad. In fact, I need to feel those emotions. Part of the healing process involves getting through the pain; confronting the emotions. It's better for me to feel the emotions than to push them aside in an attempt to "move on". {That's part of the reason I am writing this post.}

There is a book I am reading right now that a friend of mine ordered for me. It's called Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. It is an excellent book for comfort after the loss of an unborn or newly born child. The author uses scripture and introspective questions to help the reader walk through the grieving process. This book, coupled with the scripture it references, has been an amazing help for me. One of the passages that stood out to me the most is from Psalm 139 ~ "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...your eyes saw my unformed body." God created my baby. God knit her together in my womb. God's eyes saw her unformed body. And now, God has her with Him in heaven. How incredible is that? I never saw this baby. I never got to hold her in my arms. I never got to rock her to sleep, or sing her a lullaby, or give her a bath, or nurse her, or take her for a walk, or watch her sleep, or watch her play with her daddy. But she is living a life now with her Father that is better than all the days she would have spent here on earth. And that, friends, is the only thing that gives me comfort right now. Because that is what really matters anyway - time spent with our Father. Little Zippy Goins is spending her days praising God the Father. And so, I will try my hardest to do the same.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

{P.S. If you or someone you know has experienced a miscarriage & you want to talk about it, or if you're just curious & have specific questions, feel free to e-mail me: lerra73@charter.net. Obviously I can't cover all the topics I would like in one blog post. I could go on & on about it...but I'm probably already losing readers as it is!}

on an unrelated {& much lighter} note…

At the insurance agency where I work, we received an e-mail from one of our companies informing us that they would be non-renewing one of our large accounts. She concluded her e-mail with this line:

“We are sorry for any incontinence.”

WELLLL…we are certainly sorry for any incontinence too!!

romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

When Baron & I got engaged, he used this verse to describe his journey in life before he met me, and how God brought the two of us together. Since then, we have used it as encouragement for life's little bumps, and also for a bigger "bump" - our struggle with infertility. Now I am relying on it even more to get us through this time. There is no way either of us could make it through something like this without God's presence, and we have totally felt his hand in our lives these past couple of days. That is mostly due to all of the prayers of our family & friends, and we cannot thank all of you enough! We are so blessed to have such awesome prayer warriors in our life. We thank God for all of you. I know this experience isn't over, but it is so much better with wonderful people surrounding us, and most importantly, an awesome God to hold us.

still learning to trust Him...

They say that after the first trimester of pregnancy, the chances of miscarriage drop drastically. So, when I passed my 13-week mark without any problems, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Yesterday I had my monthly doctor visit. Baron went with me because they were going to find the heartbeat with the Doppler for the first time. It was a miracle in itself that we only had to wait 10-15 minutes to go back to the exam room. After weighing me & taking my blood pressure, Nurse Patty left to get the Doppler. When she came back, she squirted the cold gel on my belly and began searching. She searched for a minute or two, and then made a humorous comment about the baby giving us trouble so it must be a girl. After a couple of minutes of trying, she explained to me that sometimes the placenta is in front of the baby and the Doppler can't get the heartbeat. So she wanted to do an ultrasound.

That's when I got nervous. But part of me was excited about getting to see little Zippy on the screen again. We went to the ultrasound room, and the tech started doing her thing. She asked me when I last had an ultrasound, and I told her it was pretty early. She then proceeded to explain to me that the baby had stopped developing after about 7 weeks. I was confused. I looked at the screen. There was little Zippy, motionless and with no heartbeat pounding. He looked the same as he did when I had my vaginal ultrasound. When the tech asked me, "Do you understand what that means?", it hit me. My baby was gone. I didn't know what to think or say. She left me & Baron in the room for a minute before we went back to the exam room to talk to Dr. Dupre. What's going on? This isn't supposed to happen to ME. I've already struggled to get pregnant - why can't I have this baby?

Dr. Dupre is awesome. He is so matter-of-fact, but with the best approach. He explained to me (like 100 times) that this wasn't my fault. There's nothing I could have done to prevent this. Sometimes it just happens. 20% of the time, as a matter of fact. He called it a "missing miscarriage" - meaning, the baby did not survive but my body has not rejected it yet, so we didn't know it happened until we looked for the heartbeat. He then scheduled me for a D&C, which I will have tomorrow. {Side note: please pray for that procedure...oddly enough, my biggest concern is the IV they will put in me for the anesthesia. I'm a wimp. I could easily pass out.}

So, I know this is a depressing post. I needed to post this for two reasons: (1) I want to get the word out as thoroughly as I can so I can start moving on, and (2) it is very therapeutic for me to write about this experience. Please pray for me & Baron {and our families, as they, of course, were very excited and are now saddened as well} over the next few days/weeks. Obviously I've never been through this process so I don't know what to expect. Last night was a very difficult night for both of us, emotionally, and we are better today but we know it's not over. We are trusting God that this is His plan for us...as unfair and wrong as it seems at the moment. I cannot comprehend why this would be God's plan, but since we have chosen to live lives following Him, I know that it is.

sunshine & hot air balloons

This weekend I decided to enjoy the perfect weather and lay out. Toby enjoyed it too!

And today on my way home from work, I saw this hot air balloon at a State Farm office on Taylor Road. Desperate for customers??

pickles & pillows

I have succombed to the cliche. I cannot get enough pickles. I have always been a big fan of pickles, but in the last week or so, it has elevated to a new level. Baby dill pickles, fried pickles, hamburger pickles, pickled okra, dill pickle chips...you name it. {Just not the sweet pickles - I normally love them but right now, ICK.} Does anyone know if you can eat TOO many pickles? So far I haven't acquired the pickles & ice cream combination, but stay tuned; you never know!

On another note, it seems that while pregnant, we are advised not to sleep on our back. I am mostly a side-sleeper, but I do sleep on my back too. {Fortunately I've never been a stomach sleeper, or I'd really be in a pickle...har har.} I'm considering getting a body pillow, and I have heard about these weird-shaped maternity pillows. Have any of you used one of these pillows? If so, what kind do you recommend? Warning: I refuse to pay $99.95 for a pillow, so if you recommend this pillow, don't bother.

winter wonderland!

This is what we woke up to this morning!

{please excuse my sleepy eyes & absence of makeup...I just woke up}

{Toby enjoyed the snow!}