finally a winner!

I rarely win a contest. When I worked at Regions, we participated in the United Way campaign, and if you were an Honor Roll donor you got put into a drawing for a bunch of different prizes. One year, I won a $500 gift certificate to Montgomery Mall. {Obviously that was back when there were actually stores worth shopping at there. } Other than that, I haven't won much. So, I was super excited to find out that I won a giveaway at Mod Podge Rocks for these super cute baby blocks from AllModern.com! Woo-hoo!! More baby stuff!! :)

marketing

So, the adoption agency has added our profile to the Adoptive Parents page on their website! Not to sound belittling, but hopefully this "marketing" will "drum up some business". :)

Earl had to die.

When the Dixie Chicks first became popular, I was a fan. "Goodbye Earl" was one of my faves because it just made me laugh. About the time that song came out, I was in college & my roommate & BFF, Jan, and I bought some decor for our new apartment. We bought this awesome corn plant & decided to name him Earl, because we left him in the car & it got hot and he wilted & we thought he died. Anyway, that was about 8 years ago and I still have Earl! However, over the past month or so, he has been fading fast. I have no idea what suddenly caused him to become ill, but it's not looking good. Maybe it's just old age. How long should a corn plant live? Who knows. I'm pretty sure 8 years is more than I could ask for, considering my lack of horticultural abilities. {Case in point: click here}

So, I think that soon, it will be time to bury Earl. It will be a very sad day when I finally go through with it. Right now he is hiding in my laundry room because I was embarassed to have him out in the open whilst hosting my sister's shower at the house last weekend. The next move may be to the trash can for old Earl. Sigh.

{that's Earl in the background last year at Christmas}

{This is Earl today. Note the greenery at his feet - that's the baby Earl he has grown. Perhaps I will use him to carry on the bloodline.}

Just Adopt!

This is a great article I came across today. Some of you may be able to relate to it but probably most will not. Either way, it's a small glimpse into the emotions of a mom's decision to adopt.

Click Here to read "Just Adopt" by Sarah Kelly

solo dining etiquette

Dear Fellow Solo McAlister's Diner:

We have some things in common, you & I. We both love to eat lunch at McAlister's. We both are comfortable dining solo. We are both...women. And that's about all we have in common. You see, we apparently do not share the same ideas about solo dining. Being the nonconfrontational, somewhat bashful person that I am, when I dine alone, I prefer to actually dine...alone. In other words, I chose this seat at this table because it is a comfortable distance from all other solo diners, because it faces the door {yes, I'm THAT person who needs to face the door}, and because it is not directly facing any other solo diners. You, however, have completely ruined my process of seat selection by sitting at the table directly in front of me. But wait - you didn't just sit at the table directly in front of me, but you oh-so-thoughtfully chose the seat directly in front of me, FACING ME. Thank you. Thank you for making me self-conscious the entire time I'm eating that I will drop chili cheese dip on my face & you will be right there to see it. I mean, would you like to just sit at my table? You may as well.

Perhaps you should have chosen the seat behind me, with Jason the over-zealous salesman who makes cold calls during his solo McAlister's lunch. You obviously enjoy working for your real estate business during lunch too, so maybe you & Jason would enjoy each other's company. Actually, you probably could dine with him and you two wouldn't even acknowledge each other's presence with all the work you're doing during lunch. It could be fun! He would make obnoxiously loud sales calls, and you would text and randomly look at your laptop. Then you could get married & ignore each other even more, much like the 70-something-year-old couple to my left. How precious. I digress.

So, Fellow Solo McAlister's Diner, might I suggest that next time we find each other dining alone, that you please choose a table that is NOT directly in front of the seat that I have obviously chosen from the sea of empty seats. And if you must choose the table in front of me, please choose one of the other FOUR chairs that is not directly facing me.

Thank you.

blessed beyond measure

Baron & I are so blessed! This blog post explains our most recent blessing. We are overwhelmed with gratitude to Julie &, most of all, to our amazing God.

Thank you, God, for people who allow you to use them to minister to others.

{Romans 8:28...}

butterflies in november

I bought some flowers toward the end of the summer. Four gorgeous red verbena plants. And, of course, they died. Well, they wilted beyond repair, anyway. I thought I did everything right. I didn't over water; I didn't underwater. I fertilized, but not too much. They got full sun, as required. But I have this gift for ruining plants.

So, when they were completely dead-looking, I cut them back. All but one of them, which was starting to bloom again. I treated all 4 of these plants the same way - same watering, same fertilizer, same soil, same sunlight. But 3 of them are gone & 1 is flourishing. I took this picture of it today at lunchtime. You may not be able to see it, but there is a butterfly enjoying my anomaly of a plant.


Why can't the other 3 look like this one???

adoption update

Several people have been asking me & Baron how the adoption process is going. Most of you who are interested already know, but just for kicks {and because I have been neglecting the ole blog}, here's a quick post to bring you up-to-date.


1. The profile. We finally finished our profile! {For those of you not familiar with the adoption process, the adoptive couple makes a profile of themselves, which is basically like a "get to know us" sort of scrapbook deal. It's what the birthmother looks at when she picks parents for her child. This is basically the adoptive parents' marketing ploy. :)} We decided to do our profile a la Wal-mart photo book, and we FINALLY finished it. Just waiting on the 937 copies to arrive at our nearest Wal-mart store. {Ok so there are only 4 copies.}


2. The agencies. We started off using Carolina Hope out of South Carolina. They "merged" with Nightlight Christian Adoptions, so now they're known as Nightlight. Agape of Central Alabama did our homestudy. {Speaking of the homestudy, that has also been completed as well...whew.} So, we decided to have both Nightlight and Agape working for us. The more the merrier!


3. The books. Ah, the books. Both agencies require a certain amount of "education" before adopting. Nightlight offers several webinars, which we plan to do at some point in the near future. In the meantime, we are reading the oh-so-informative-and-slightly-boring adoption books we ordered.


4. The first phone call. A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from Nightlight. They had a birthmother who came in, and they wanted to show our profile! But alas, we did not have a copy, due to the procrastinative (?) nature of ourselves. So I quickly proofread what we did have & sent them a link to the online version of the photo book. Oh and p.s. the birthmother's due date? October 21st. But, as it turns out, she never got back in touch with the agency. Strike one.


5. The crib. So, after that first phone call, I got all giddy with the realization that this could happen ANY DAY NOW. Granted, the odds are that it will still be months, but who knows? So in an rare form of non-procrastination, I started thinking of what we need to do to prepare ourselves should we suddenly have a new baby in the house. Coincidentally {or not so coincidentally, as I don't believe in "coincidence"}, Elizabeth told me about this consignment sale in P'ville and how I may want to check it out for any awesome deals. So I went over on a Sunday afternoon, and lo and behold, there stood the exact style/color crib I'd been planning to get! And for the low, low price of $150 smackaroos. I got Baron's permission {via text, since he was in a coaches' meeting, oops!} and made the first official baby purchase. Fun times!


6. The second phone call. Just this past week, Agape called us. They got an e-mail from their sister agency in Texas - they had a birthmother who was being very particular about the adoptive parents she wanted. And we just so happened to fit her criteria. The catch? This agency's placement fees are WELL over our intended "baby budget". And by WELL over, I mean about $15,000 more than we planned to spend. Oh and the mom is due in December, which would give us 2 months to come up with that money. So, since we unfortunately purchased a red maple from my brother rather than a money tree, we had to ask not to have our profile shown for this case. It really broke my heart to come to this decision. I cried at the thought of having to basically tell this mom/baby "no, we can't afford to adopt your precious child into our home." {Yes, there are grants out there available for adoptive parents. Unfortunately, we just don't have time right now to get everything together to apply for them in time for this particular case.}


So, there you have it. Our adoption process thus far, in a nutshell. :) Feel free to ask questions...I'll consult my latest 1200-page book for an answer if I don't have one. :)

tree!!!

My brother, the ultimate landscape architect, sold us a 13-foot red maple this week. He planted it in our backyard & this is the finished product. I'm so excited to finally have a tree in the backyard! It looks great!!!

His first choice

I have a friend from college who has recently informed me that she & her husband are considering adoption. She & I have been "facebooking" back & forth about this subject. She had some trouble getting pregnant, but she does have a beautiful child of her own now. And she is still considering adoption. One of her concerns is what people will think about them adopting when they are perfectly capable of birthing their own children. {"Why would you want to do that when you can have your own children?"} Well, that got me thinking about something I read today in the book, The Adoption Decision, by Laura Christianson. I'm reading the section in the book that refers to God's adoption of us as his children. Here is a quote from that section:

"When Paul [in his letter to the church at Ephesus] refers to God's children, he uses the Greek word huiosthesia (huios means a son and thesis means a placing). All believers are adopted - placed with their heavenly Father. Adoption is not God's second-best choice for building His spiritual family but rather, His first choice."

I love that! Adoption is God's FIRST choice for building his spiritual family. He didn't try another way and then use adoption as his backup. This was his plan all along! He desperately wants to adopt us as his children. What if God did not choose adoption? Where would we be?

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the one he loves. ~Ephesians 1:4-6

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! ~1 John 3:1

Thank you God for adopting us as your children. Thank you for giving us the gift of salvation & the hope of eternal life through our adoption. Thank you that this wonderful plan is your first choice.

advertisement + prayer request

As most of you know {or maybe don't know?}, I was recently laid off from Colonial Insurance Agency, where I worked for 6 years. The poor economy isn't favorable to the insurance industry, as you can imagine, and layoffs were a last resort for Colonial.

Anyway, I was laid off, along with another {former} co-worker of mine. I have been blessed to have another job opportunity {which, by the way, will be a GREAT job for me - 5 minutes from the house, 4 days a week, wear jeans to work, finally get my own office...}. I will start work next week. However, my friend Stephanie hasn't been as fortunate to find another job as quickly. She desperately needs something soon. She is a young single mom of two great kids. She has been looking for a job in the insurance industry, but of course those jobs are few & far between right now. In the meantime, she is advertising two "side jobs" that she has had for several years now. She offers eldery caregiver services, and she also offers commercial & residential janitorial services. If you or anyone you know is interested in hiring her either as a caregiver or for janitorial services, please let me know & I will e-mail you her information. If you need either of these services, please consider Stephanie for the job - if anything, as a ministry to her in her time of need. If you don't need either of these services, you can still pray for Stephanie as she continues her job search. She's got to find something soon so she can take care of her kiddos!! Thanks everybody!!

tat.

I posted a picture of this {along with a shorter explanation} on Facebook awhile back, but sometimes I inadvertently neglect the blogosphere because of my addicition to Facebook. So, I hereby apologize for neglecting those of you who still read my blog. If anyone is even still out there. Anyway, what I was saying was...

I got a tattoo.

This is a HUGE deal for me, as I am a HUGE wimp. I have a low tolerance for pain, and I have a needle phobia. Those two do not add up to a desire for a tattoo, and yet I have wanted a tattoo for awhile now. The two hindrances {besides pain + needle} were: a) where on my body to get one so as not to look like white trash, and b) what design to get. Since it's such a huge deal for me, it would have to be something significant; otherwise I wouldn't go through with it.

Well, back in July, Baron was on Wilderness Trek in Colorado with some of the teens from church. While he was out of the state for 9 days, I got this wondrous idea to get a tattoo while he was away. So of course, since I got the idea, and decided it was wondrous, I had my mind set on it. I had already decided I wanted it on the inside of my foot, below the ankle, but I didn't know what design to get. Something that signified my relationship with Christ. A cross? Maybe. A Jesus fish? No, cause I don't want to copy Judy. :-) An inspiring word written in Hebrew? Nah. I thought & thought & thought about it. Finally...it hit me. Romans 8:28. I wanted to somehow incorporate this scripture in my tattoo.

Some of you have heard Baron's story about why this scripture is significant to him. For those of you who haven't, I'll summarize. We were sitting at the wedding of two of our friends only a couple of months before we got married. The date was June 26th. Baron noticed the date on the program, and thought, "oh that's clever - they're getting married on 6/26, so it will be easy for him to remember his anniversary." And then it dawned on him - he & I were getting married on August 28th...8/28! And when he thought of the date that way, he thought of Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." This scripture was significant to Baron because he had been in a really bad relationship before moving back to Montgomery and eventually dating me. Because of all of the rotten stuff he went through, he was molded into the man that walked into my life and swept me off my feet. God brought us together - there's no doubt about that. But Baron had to spend some time "in the pits" {both figuratively & literally, when he was working in the grease pit at a machine shop} to get there.

Fast forward to our marriage. Since we've been married, we've been through 3 hurricanes & 1 tornado, dealt with infertility for 3 years, and & lost a precious baby through miscarriage. Through all of that - we are so much stronger. We are closer to each other than we thought we could be. I am closer to my God, when I didn't even realize I needed to be. I cannot even describe the difference inside of me since my miscarriage. Losing a baby after wanting one for so long - that kind of trial will take you one direction or the other, and I am so blessed that I grew closer to God through that horrible time in my life. So many blessings have come from these difficult times for me & Baron. And it can all be summed up by Romans 8:28.

So...that is the significance of the tattoo. All the junk Baron went through before meeting me, all the junk we've endured together since getting married...it's all for the good. God is working out His plan for our lives, and someday we will realize what all the mess was about.

remembering.

Tomorrow, on September 11th, a lot of people will remember. We will remember where we were when that first plane hit the tower in New York. We will remember the emotions we felt: shock, disbelief, fear, anger, sadness, uncertainty. We will remember the strong sense of patriotism that this country experienced after those horrific events. We will remember, if applicable, our trip to New York and the view from the top of the World Trade Center. We will remember all of the heroes that emerged on that day eight years ago. And hopefully, we will remember our desperate dependence on God to get our country through that time. It is good to remember. Remembering helps us deal with grief, helps us move on, and hopefully makes us stronger.

Tomorrow, on September 11th, I will remember something besides the attack on our country. I will remember the life that began inside of me 9 months ago. I will remember when I first found out I was pregnant after trying for 2½ years. I will remember the emotions I felt: shock, disbelief, and finally, excitement. I will remember telling our family. I will remember the best reaction EVER from Baron’s mom when she all but screamed our ears off. I will remember telling people that my due date was 9/11, and getting the “oh, wow” response. I will remember discussing baby names with my pregnant friends. I will remember rooming with Judy at the ladies’ retreat & getting comments about being in the “pregnant room”. I will remember the strong aversion to chocolate I had, and how I didn’t care because I just wanted a baby. I will joyfully remember the first heartbeats I heard during my early ultrasound. I will remember every detail about my pregnancy, including the sad parts. I will have to remember the day we found out the baby was no longer living, and those horrific days that followed. I cannot forget those dark feelings I felt – loss, discouragement, anger, frustration, confusion, disbelief, sadness. But during all of that, the more significant emotions were those that were showered over us by friends and family – comfort, encouragement, sympathy, understanding, love. God truly does love us. If he did not, why would he bother placing these overwhelming feelings of hope in the midst of such devastation?

Yes, tomorrow we will remember. But let’s not only remember the devastation, loss, hurt, anger, frustration. Let’s remember the wondrous things that God has done for us during those difficult times. Let’s remember the hope He gives us – hope for redemption, hope for salvation, and hope for an eternal life with Him.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced. ~1 Chronicles 16:11-12

new book!

My uncle has written a book! Check out the website, and order yours today! Come on people, it's only $10. :-)

**Also...new post below. Either y'all haven't read it yet, or you just don't have a comment, or no one is reading my blog anymore. :-)**

mom jeans

Well, I'm not a mom yet, but I bought some mom jeans. I was deceived by the fact that they are from Old Navy. I have put on a couple of pounds in the past few months, and while I may not look bigger, my jeans/pants definitely fit smaller. So, while we were in Foley last weekend, I did the inevitable: jean shopping. I hate jean shopping. On the one hand, I am 29 years old. I want "hip" jeans. {Does it make me un-hip that I just said that?} But on the other hand, I am 29 years old. My metabolism is slowing, and the ultra-low-rise-super-skinny-mocha-latte jeans just don't work as well for me any more. So, there I stood, in Old Navy, about to begin the process.

Probelm #1: Leg length. I am 5' 4" so it's hard to find the right length. At Old Navy, they conveniently have short, regular, and long lengths. Which is great, if you're short, regular, or long. But I'm in-between short & regular. So I am either flooding or dragging. I prefer to drag, so I got the regular length. Problem #1 = not solved, but settled.

Problem #2: Choose your fit. Weekend, Diva, Sweetheart, Flirt, Dreamer. Sounds cute. Very confusing. Low rise, mid-rise, classic rise. Relaxed fit, slim fit, straight fit. Boot cut, skinny cut, trouser cut. I AM SO CONFUSED. Ok, let's try process of elimination: no relaxed cut. That means baggy, right? No thanks. I already have a pair of Diva jeans, and while they are flattering, they are like super low rise or something & I have a severe case of muffin top when I wear them. Finally, after researching all of the different fits, I narrowed it down to two: Sweetheart and Dreamer. Problem #2 = almost solved.

Problem #3: What size do I wear again? {I am not going to reveal my jean size, in an attempt to make people keep thinking I am skinnier than I really am. I probably wear a bigger size than you think.} First of all, the size varies depending on where you are shopping. JC Penney has different sizing than, say, American Eagle. At American Eagle I am apparently a heiffer. At JC Penney I feel skinny. Whatever. Old Navy stands nicely between the two, and I can buy a size that I feel comfortable purchasing without feeling too big or too small. So, I went up one size from the last pair I purchased here, since my too-tight jeans I last purchased are the reason I'm jean shopping to begin with. Problem #3 = solved.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of digging through stacks & stacks of jeans to find the right cut/size/length/shade of denim that I wanted, I find The Pair. And since this is an outlet store, and everything is 40% off, they are only $20. Score. I am so pumped to wear my new perfectly-fitting-except-for-the-length {which I will perpetually struggle with} jeans! I get home & wash them, in an attempt to shrink them a little in the leg/butt area {yeah they were a little droopy-drawered in the store, but my jeans ALWAYS shrink too much so I went slightly droopier than normal}. Wednesday night = church night. I love wearing new clothes, so I'm pumped about these new jeans. I put them on. What are these? Did I choose these jeans? THESE ARE MOM JEANS! I chose the Dreamer cut, which is a "classic rise". Which sounds mom-ish, but I don't remember them being so mom-ish in the store? What have I done? Stacy & Clinton would throw these in the garbage for sure. They come way too close to my belly button. Fortunately I am long-waisted so they don't actually touch my belly button, but still. This is very unusual for me. I have so much room in these jeans, I could run laps. I do NOT look like the model pictured in this ad for "The Dreamer" jeans.

But...they are comfortable. I don't have a muffin top. Maybe I can even get invited to a few play dates with these jeans. We shall see.

new fave site.

This is my new favorite "waste time surfing the web when I should be doing laundry" site. Shout out to Jon Owen for recommending it.

Check it:
Stuff Christians Like

8.28

We were meant to be.

{And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. ~Romans 8:28}

Happy 5th Anniversary to the most wonderful husband I could ever pray for!! I love you!!

french fries on I-65

The other morning, as I was making my daily 20-something-mile trek from Prattville to Montgomery for work, I found myself behind an older Mercedes with a personalized tag. Because the congested traffic was travelling at a whopping 30 mph on the interstate, it was easy for me to notice this tag. It said FRYITUP. Hmmm. So apparently this driver is very proud of his job cooking French fries at McDonald's? It bothers me to not understand personalized tags, so I tried to get {safely} closer to read the sticker on the back windshield. As I drove behind this car, I noticed frequent bursts of black smoke coming out of the tailpipe. You know that smell that usually accompanies those black smoke clouds? The burning motor oil smell? Well, this car didn't have that smell. It was a familiar smell, but I couldn't pinpoint it. Then I saw the sticker. "Fueled by Recycled Cooking Oil". THAT'S the smell. This car's exhaust smelled like french fry grease. Seriously. And then...I craved Mickey D's fries for the rest of the day.

help!

Soon I am going to be starting an adoption fundraiser. I'll be selling a few customized handmade items {yes, I know...everyone's doing handmade items nowadays :-)}. For now I only have 3 different items that I'm taking orders for, but maybe in the future I'll discover some other things I can make. :-)

Anyway...I need help. I want to come up with a name for this little venture. The point is to raise money for our adoption, so I want it to reflect that but still be catchy & somewhat versatile. I was trying to think of something to do with the two stories of adoption from the Bible - Moses' adoption by the king's daughter, and Esther's adoption by her cousin Mordecai. "The King's Daughter" popped into my head when I was reading about Moses, because she is unnamed so I couldn't use her name. And Mordecai is kind of an odd name to use in a business because people won't know how to spell it. :-) Anyway does anyone have any ideas? I need help!!

adoption tees

One day we will have a baby, and he/she will wear these onesies. It makes me laugh that these actually exist...

Dead End

From the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional...

How God Builds Your Faith: Dead End

by Rick Warren

“At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH).

When the pursuit of your dream deteriorates from difficult to impossible; when the situation looks hopeless, congratulations! You’re in good company.

Even Paul went through dead ends: “At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH).

If God can raise people physically, He can raise people who are dead emotionally. He can raise a dead marriage. He can resurrect a dead career. He can resurrect you from a health problem. If God can raise the dead, He can do anything.

In Abraham’s situation, God said, “I want you to become the father of a nation,” but then Abraham had to wait until he was 99 years old before he had his first child. The Bible shows Abraham’s situation going from difficult to impossible. He looks at his body and says, “No way!” Then he looks at his wife and says, “Double no way!”

But Sarah got pregnant and they laughed about it. When the baby was born, they named him Isaac, which means laughter.

God often lets problems become impossibilities. The disciples planned to follow Jesus. They thought He was the Messiah, but then the next thing they know Jesus is hanging on the cross, dying. Was this a dead end for the disciples? For three days it seemed that way, but then Jesus walked out of the tomb.

When you face a dead end, you may start asking, “What’s going on, God? Did I miss Your will? Your plan? Have I missed Your vision?” Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God’s plan for you.

What’s the best response to a dead end? “He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us; we have placed our hope in Him that He will deliver us again” (2 Corinthians 1:10 HCSB).

do what with my hands?

I read this sign on the nail drying station at the nail salon yesterday. Pay attention to #4.

the best husband in the WORLD is mine.

WARNING: MUSHY BLOG POST.

Baron is in Colorado on Wilderness Trek with some of the teens from Vaughn Park. They left last Friday at 4:30 a.m. and won't be back until Sunday the 19th. I miss him terribly. The worst part is that since Sunday, and until Friday, I can't talk to him on the phone. I hate being away from him for so long. I now have a newfound admiration for wives who do this all the time! Anyway, today I was so extremely pleasantly surprised when I got flowers at work...from Baron! He is so smart. Kudos, Baron; kudos. :-) And since I can't thank you in person today, I shall do so by blogging in hopes that you will see it when you get back. Thank you for loving me so much! I love you!!! {And yes, I cried at work when I got them. I'm a sap.}

{yes, there are lemon slices in the water! love it.}

decorative tile thingie

Romans 8:28 is a very special verse for me & Baron, for many reasons, so I've wanted to display it in our house for awhile now. I finally figured out an artful way to display it on a tile. I don't have good handwriting AT ALL, but I wanted to do this by hand to make it more personal. {AKA, I don't care if it looks sloppy; it's MINE. :-)}

inspiration

I've been keeping a particular tidbit of information from the "blog world" {which includes Facebook, since I have my blog imported to FB as well} for the past couple of weeks. But I am somewhat transparent when it comes to my emotions and my life decisions, so I may as well share this now. We're back on the adoption train! I think Baron was ready before I was. After the miscarriage, I was quickly ready to start trying to get pregnant again. Well, it didn't happen immediately {obviously}, like everyone seemed to promise me. "You'll get pregnant right away - that always happens!" Really? Always? I know they were just trying to encourage us, but I also knew at the time that really, truly, SERIOUSLY...this is all about God's timing. And we have no idea what He has in store for us. So, after some praying, thinking, and researching, I was again turned back to the idea of adoption. But this time, it's not just a means to get a baby. This time, I feel compassion. I want to help a birthmother give her baby a better life. Of course, I desperately want a baby, and that desire has guided me to the idea of adoption. But the first time we started considering adoption, we were unsure whether or not I could get pregnant. This time, I know I can get pregnant, just not when. Am I scared of this process? Of course. But when I take my own fears, apprehensions, and anxieties out of the picture, I am so touched by the needs of another woman and her baby. I want to help. I can help. This is what I want to do.

Of course, as I have well learned through our infertility struggles, if this isn't God's plan, it won't happen. Who knows if his plan is for us to adopt, or if it's just to turn our compassionate eyes toward the needs of birthmothers, or if he will again bless my womb with a baby. Who knows? But this I do know: He will take care of us. He knows what we need. He has timed our lives so perfectly that I cannot lose faith in Him. I don't like it, of course. I don't like that I don't have a baby when all of my friends do. I don't like the emotional roller coaster this has been. I don't like that it makes Baron sad that he's not a daddy yet. But notice that all of those dislikes revolve around "I". And I'm not so sure this whole thing is just about "I". This is bigger than just me.

Having said all that...I want to share this video I came across today. I have some links on my blog to some adoption sites I find helpful, and on one of those sites, All You Who Hope, the author posted this video, and it is so inspiring to me. Enjoy.

new paint!

This week, we had the interior of our house repainted. {Well, not all of it, but most of it.} There is a gentleman at our church who does this on the side, so we hired him {at a great price, btw} to do the job for us. It only took him 2 days to do the entry, kitchen, breakfast room, living room, hallway, and 1 spare bedroom. We were impressed, to say the least! Anyway I took some pics of the newly painted walls, but in most of them you can't even tell what the color is. So I also scanned the paint samples...and it's still hard to tell on a computer screen what the color really is. So, use your imagination. :-)

{paint sample for entry, living room, kitchen, breakfast room, hallway - celery sticks}

{living room wall...I know, it looks beige...but I promise it's quite green!}

{paint sample for the spare bedroom - soft mint green}

{spare bedroom wall}

{glad it's done!}

leftover vases & baby frame

A couple of months ago, I was watching Trash to Treasure on HGTV. They said something about leftover florist vases and it caught my attention because I have a LOT of them. They spraypainted the vases, and turned them over to make them into candle holders. So I decided to do my version of the project, plus a little lamb figurine I've had, that didn't have a home:

-------------------------------

The other day I was at Storkland looking for a baby gift for my friend & neighbor, Tara. I saw these cute baby frames, but they were priced a lot higher than I was willing to pay. Then it occurred to me...hey - I can make one of those! So I did:

my own blog helped me

I just went back and re-read this blog post, and the comments from the readers are so encouraging to me right now. I just needed to hear some encouraging words, cause me & Baron are struggling with some of the same emotions I expressed in that former blog post. That's all...I just wanted to share! :-)

book review

Ok, so I'm not typing an actual review of this book, but some of you have asked me to let you know what I think of Stephenie Meyer's The Host. In a nutshell: read it. It's so good. Go get it now!! I've decided Stephenie is my new favorite author. She better keep writing; and I don't even care if it's more Twilight or what, just keep writing, Stephenie!!

stormy emotions

I had a bad day today.

I was late to work. I had several unexpected tasks come up at work that prevented me from accomplishing what I hoped to accomplish. We had a company lunch that was split into two shifts, and I got left behind. When I got home from work, Toby had red dirt all over his paws & was running around the house with his filthy self. But the worst part of the day was when I had some "moments" {I have those sometimes - moments of frustration/sadness/etc} and I realized that my emotions were out of control. At least, I thought they were out of control. I prayed for God to take them over, and he did. Then, when I got home & checked my e-mail today, I read this devotional from Sarah's Laughter and it made me realize that God really can control my emotions if I let him.

Raging Storms

“Who then is this, that He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him?”
Luke 8:25

Has your faith died since the moment your baby died? Have you found your faith decreasing along with your hormone levels? If this is the hurt of your heart, listen as Jesus says to your storm, “Peace, be still.” He doesn’t rebuke you for your doubt. He rebukes the doubt. The same word and the same Word that calmed the storm for the disciples that night can calm your storm and bring you peace.

You may feel that you have not only lost your baby, but you’ve lost control. You tried everything you could to ensure a safe development for your baby, but something went horribly wrong. You couldn’t control how the embryo divided. You couldn’t control the tiny heartbeat. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t control your blood pressure or your hormone levels. Now, you struggle to control emotions bouncing around your chest like a million ping-pong balls. You just can’t seem to regain control of anything. Your storm is out of control.

Good news, friend. The storm isn’t really out of control. It’s just that it’s not under your control. Look at the flabbergasted reply of Jesus’ shipmates the day He stepped to the edge of the boat and calmed their storm with just a word:

“Who then is this, that He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him?”

These guys were no neophytes. They had already witnessed so much of what Jesus could do, but when He slapped the waves down with only a word from the Word, He stopped them dead in their doubting tracks! Who is this Jesus? This Jesus is the Prince of Peace who calms your angry tempest with only His voice. He’s the same Jesus who knows you’ll survive this storm whether you know you will or not. He’s the same Jesus who brings His peace to you. Peace that passes all understanding and simply doesn’t make sense considering the situation you find yourself in is yours for the taking. Never worry that He’ll run out of patience with you. Because of the Lord’s mercies that are new every morning, we are not consumed. (Lamentations 3:22-23 KJV) Are you afraid that even the Prince of Peace is not enough to speak peace to your hurt? Worry no more. His grace is sufficient and His strength is perfected in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

This is the Jesus who calms your storm.

angels in the office

I'm having a bad day. And I think God recognized that, so he said hello to me via these flowers from one of our producers in the office who just wanted to say thanks for all my work. :-)

I learned to sew!

My mom taught me how to sew on a machine last week. I need a LOT more practice, but I think I did pretty good for my first project! I made covers for the pillows on our sofa. The back has a flap where you put the pillow in. {yeah I'm sure there's an official name for that...} The back is a striped fabric that coordinates with the floral on the front. Wonder what I'll tackle next...

HELP!!!

I have the brownest thumb EVER. I bought these flowers a couple of weeks ago, and look at them! What is my problem? I water them whenever the soil is dry. When it rains, of course I don't water them. There is fertilizer in the soil. They perk up when I water them, but am I watering them too much? What did I do wrong?? Green thumbs, comment please!!

This is what they are SUPPOSED to look like:

{Aztec Red Verbena}

relationships

I got this Purpose Driven Life daily devotional the other day, and I just read it today. This is definitely something I need to work on with my relationships, so I thought I'd share.

Being Wise in Your Relationships
by Rick Warren

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace-loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. (James 3:17-18 NLT).

Every person you know is unique. Each one is a complex blend of background, temperament, and giftedness. Yet, these differences are often the root of relational conflict. Uniqueness poses all kinds of communication problems—so often we simply don't understand each other! We may use the same words but with very different meaning.

We're wise when we recognize and value the differences in people. Our uniqueness requires that we use wisdom in order to relate to others in customized ways, rather than relating to everyone with the same, rigid style, as if everyone will think and respond the same way.

The Bible tells us the characteristics of genuine wisdom: The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and full of quiet gentleness. Then it is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others; it is full of mercy and good deeds. It is wholehearted and straightforward and sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness (James 3:17-18 LB).

From these verses we learn six ways to be wise when we relate to others. If I am biblically wise...

1. I will not compromise my integrity (wisdom is pure). I'll be honest with you. I'll keep my promises and commitments to you.

2. I will not antagonize your anger (wisdom is peace-loving). I'll work at maintaining harmony. I won't push your hot buttons.

3. I will not minimize your feelings (wisdom is courteous). I may not feel as you do, but I won't ignore or ridicule how you feel.

4. I will not criticize your suggestions (wisdom allows discussion). I can disagree with you without being disagreeable.

5. I will not emphasize your mistakes (wisdom is full of mercy). Instead of rubbing it in, I'll rub it out.

6. I will not disguise my motivations (wisdom is wholehearted and sincere). I'll be authentic with you. I won't con or manipulate you.

mom's day gifts

Yesterday I had plans to shop for my mom & Baron's mom in downtown Prattville for Mother's Day gifts. It was nearing 2:oo and we were still at some friends' {Mark & Michelle Thompson} house after eating lunch with them, their kids, and Baron's mom. At some point during the lunch conversation, Jane {Baron's mom} noticed a decorative tile that Michelle had on her counter. It was about 12x12 and it had a large cursive "T" painted on it. Jane really liked it, and I immediately thought about getting a tile for her & for my mom for Mother's Day. Then I thought, "I could so make one of those myself. And it would be cheaper. Hmmm." I told Baron about my idea, and when we left their house at about 3:00, I started working on the tiles. The tiles are so cheap that I got an extra to hopefully make one for us someday. :-) {P.S. Easels super cheap from Wal-Mart! Thanks, Better Homes & Gardens.} Here are the finished products:

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!!!

For those of you who know my mom, the news on the following video will not surprise you. Love you mom!! :-)

{click here for video}

I love my daddy:

http://roxy-wishum.blogspot.com/2009/05/tuesday-night.html

collej.

Saw this ad in a Tidbits newsletter yesterday:

Now tell me, would YOU want to go to college somewhere that includes typos in their ads??

redneck holiday

So apparently the Autauga county probate office celebrates Confederate Memorial Day. What's that about? Some of us have car tags that expire this week, and our off day is Monday, and we don't necessarily have time to drive all the way downtown only to be turned away by a sign posted on the door that the office is closed. BOOOOO. It should be a rule that government offices only close on WELL-KNOWN holidays.

Serenity now!!!

writer's block

I am having a hard time coming up with anything to blog about that isn't related to my miscarriage. Hopefully soon I will have some more enjoyable posts for my readers. Please hang in there with me for awhile!

I wanted to share this e-mail I got today. I found this website, Sarah's Laughter, which provides support for infertility and loss. I registered to receive their "Daily Double Portion" e-mails. So far, just about every one I have received has spoken to me in a different way. Anyway, I felt the urge to share this one from today...

A Glorious Reunion
2 Samuel 12:23
I will go to him...

If you are one who has lived through the horror of the death of your baby, Sarah’s Laughter offers you our most heartfelt condolences. Maybe no one ever told you they were sorry you lost your baby. We are so very sorry. We are sorry that you lost your baby, and we are so sorry that others have not recognized your hurt. If there is anything this ministry can do for you, please do not hesitate to let us know.

Even in the face of such a devastating loss, there is great encouragement and understanding for you found within the pages of Scripture. God knew you would search for answers to the questions that bounce around your heart like a million ping-pong balls. Perhaps the most vivid example we have of someone surviving the death of a precious baby is found in the life of David.
If someone asked you who David was, what would you say? Would you call him a giant-killer? A king? A scoundrel? A man who danced before the Lord with all might? A man after God’s own heart?

A grieving parent?

In 2 Samuel we see a portrait of grief hanging on the walls of David’s home. He is facing the imminent death of his baby, and is stricken with pain only a bereaved parent can know. The prophet Nathan has told him that God has revealed the baby will die, and although David does all he knows to do to change God’s mind, in only seven short days, David’s baby slips into eternity.

What about your baby. Did you know death was inevitable, or did it sneak up on like an unwanted companion? No doubt, you begged and pleaded with God for the life of your child. How your story parallels David’s!

David’s baby has died. There is no going back. There are no more doctors to call, no more treatments to try. The baby’s life on earth is completed. What does David do? What did you do?

Somehow through his grief, David found the road to recovery, and began to walk in it right away.

Scripture tells us that when David was alerted of the passing of his baby, he arose from the ground where he laid, wept and prayed, he washed himself and changed his clothes. Then he did the most amazing--and perhaps the hardest thing. David worshiped.

How was David able to enter into the worship of the Lord? This is the same Lord who could have changed His mind and saved David’s baby, but chose not to. How could David worship?
I believe the answer lies in 2 Samuel 12:23. It’s a profound truth found in only five words:

I will go to him...

God surely pulled back the curtains of time for David and revealed to him just a smidgen of His plan for humanity. We know that Jesus went to prepare a place for us so that we can be with Him for eternity. David lived centuries before the cross and the empty tomb. He had no way to know that God had planned eternal reunions with lost loves.

Somehow, David knew he would see his baby again. It wasn’t a cliche to David. He knew-in reality-he would see this baby again. Not another baby that he and his wife would soon conceive. Not a child born to him at another point in his life. He knew that he would see this baby again. The unuttered promise of a glorious reunion with his baby made this painful, but temporary, period of separation bearable.

When your heart aches for your baby, remind yourself that as a child of God, you will see your baby again. Not for a moment. Not until death steals him/her away again. Thank God that death will never enter Heaven’s gates! You can be reunited with your baby and with your God for eternity! All that is required is the salvation freely offered you at the foot of Calvary.

When you arrive in heaven, perhaps you’ll sit down for a while with David. Maybe you’ll share how your hearts broke. He’ll tell you what it was like to see his child again. You can tell him what it was like to see yours. Together, with the children you’ve both loved and lost, you can join with David, the master musician, and and pen a new song. You’ll add a verse. Your child can dance as you all sing the praises of our Heavenly Father for all eternity.

What a beautiful song.

(c) 2008 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

not-so-random acts of kindness

Last Monday, as I was thoroughly enjoying my newfound freedom in my Mondays off, I went to check the mail. Usually we know what to expect in the mail, but that day I had an unexpected package. The return address was some place in Canada, so I was definitely confused. {Did I order something online & forget about it? That’s always fun cause it’s like getting a present! Even though I paid for it…I digress.} I went inside & thoughts of “don’t open any suspicious packages! Anthrax!” went through my head. Of course I opened it anyway. There was a small jewelry bag wrapped in bubble wrap. {Ok, now I am definitely confused because I know I haven’t ordered any jewelry.} Inside the bag was this necklace:



And this card with the sweetest poem:


I immediately started bawling. This was the sweetest thing anyone has done for me since the miscarriage! I looked through the small package to see who it was from, and finally found a card with a note from my good friends Judy & Stacy. Stacy had a miscarriage during her second pregnancy, and someone had given her a similar necklace, and she talked to Judy about it…you get the idea. I was so touched. I’ll admit, at first I wasn’t sure if I would wear the necklace much, as I am always concerned about coordinating my jewelry with my outfits {superficial, I know, but it’s true}. But I have worn the necklace every day since I got it, as a reminder of the beautiful life that once was inside me. Thank you, friends, for my lovely gift! {Click here for the jewelry artist’s website – she also makes memorial jewelry, baby jewelry, and custom jewelry!}

And while I’m on that note, I should share my two other favorite gestures from friends during this difficult time. First of all, I should point out that every single card, e-mail, Facebook message, text message, phone call, blog comment, flower arrangement, and even gift card that we got meant so much to us. I will always have memories of how much love has been poured over us during this time. It is SO encouraging! Ok, back to the two other favorite gestures. The night of my D&C: Ashley cooked dinner for us. I know this sounds like a small gesture, but I cannot express to you how much this meant! I have never had a “thinking of you” meal cooked for me, and now I know how helpful they are. I had an especially rough time that day because I had to spend about 6 hours longer at the hospital than I expected, due to a long wait for my doctor…long story. Point is, I should have gotten home by 1:00 & I got home after 6:00. Ashley cooked THE BEST comfort food EVER – poppyseed chicken casserole, green bean casserole, Sister Schubert’s rolls, and chocolate chip cookies. YUM. MERS. I wasn’t supposed to eat “real” food that night but I snuck in a few bites because I couldn’t resist. J Third favorite gesture: a woman from my small group ordered a book for me titled Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. This is a GREAT book for people who have had miscarriages, stillborns, or infant loss. The author uses scripture, short prayers, introspective questions, personal stories, and journaling to walk you through the grieving process. It’s written like a devotional book, to be read small sections at a time. It is wonderful! I highly recommend it.

The point of this post is for two purposes: (1) To share with you all the wonderful acts of kindness that I’ve experienced through my family and friends, and (2) To give you ideas of what you can do when you have a friend or family member who goes through a similar experience and you don’t know what to do for them. If you can’t afford to send a flower arrangement, or order a book or piece of jewelry; or if you don’t have time to cook a meal; a simple card or e-mail that just says “I’m praying for you & I love you” speaks volumes. Seriously. I will forever cherish ALL of the precious gestures that everyone has sent us! I love you all!

{A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. ~Proverbs 17:17}

extreme makeover: doghouse edition

Toby needed a new dog house. We don't have a covered porch, or any trees, so Toby's only shelter is his dog house. The one we had originally purchased did NOT keep the rain out. Toby was usually dry, but his "bedding" got wet every time it rained. I finally BEGGED Baron to let us buy a new one, even though all of the ones we found that would fit our needs were expensive. We finally decided on one that was perfect. Well...almost perfect. It was this hideous bright gold-yellow. They called it "Tuscan" style to make it sound good. I couldn't leave it that color, because our house is on a hill, and Toby's doghouse sits on the deck, so all of the neighborhood can see our deck...you get the picture. So, we decided to paint it...to match our house. Yep, we're dorks. {Actually, we really did that because we just happened to have the paint left over from when our house was painted when it was built.} So, Toby's dog house got a makeover! Dogs all over the neighborhood are envious.

Before:

After:

By Your Side

If you have a couple of minutes, please take the time to watch this video. {It's really just for the song; I thought an accompanying video would be more interesting than just listening.} This song means a lot to me right now. The day we found out we lost the baby, I got in the car to drive home from the doctor's office, and this song was playing. I wasn't paying much attention, as I had so much going through my head, but the first line I really heard was "why are you crying?" and that got my attention. I tried to listen to all of the rest of the words at that time, but I was just too overwhelmed - I only heard bits & pieces, but they were like God speaking directly to me, at that very moment. The next time I heard the song was on my way home from work, my first day back after the loss - it had been a very hard day & God once again chose to speak to me through the lyrics of this song. Please take a minute to listen to these words...maybe God will speak to you, too.

I NEED TICKETS!!!

Joey.

Jonathan.

Jordan.

Danny.

Donnie.

May 29th.

Verizon Wireless Music Center, Birmingham, Alabama.

Free tickets, Y102.

{I've been trying to win all week with no luck!}

NKOTB website
Y102 contest info

struggling

I feel like my blog is bipolar because I go back & forth so much between serious posts & lighthearted posts. :-) But that might give you a little indication of how my emotions are right now, so maybe it's a good thing.

I want to write some more about my miscarriage. For several reasons: 1) writing about it helps me sort through my emotions & serves as good therapy, 2) I want other people who experience a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and 3) it serves as a journal for me to look back on in the future. So, before I really begin this post, please know that it's gonna be a serious one, and it may even seem a little Debbie Downer at times. I know this isn't the most fun post to read, so it's ok if you decide to skip this one. But I hope you will continue, just to get an idea of what's going on in my head & in my heart {as scary as it may be to know what's in my head}.

If you have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of an infant, you may know a little about what Baron & I have been going through during the past 2 weeks. I have felt the most sadness that I have ever felt in my life. Disappointment, confusion, emptiness...and just overall sadness. I was pregnant, and now I am not.

I miss being pregnant. I miss our baby inside of me, growing. I miss worrying about how much caffeine I'd consumed. I miss the weird taste changes. I miss talking with my friends who are currently pregnant about what I could have expected over the next few weeks & months. I miss being indecisive about baby names. I miss being aggravated by the ever-frequent "how are you feeling?" from every person I know. I miss seeing my mom glow every time she told someone I was pregnant. I miss daydreaming about my first child having so many friends whose mommies are my friends. I miss my dad referring to our baby as "Little Zippy". I sorely miss being pregnant.

Don't misunderstand; I am not completely downtrodden all the time. I am fully capable of laughing & smiling & going about my "normal" day. But there are times when it gets hard. Shopping for a baby gift for a friend. Attending baby showers (which I haven't brought myself to do just yet). Getting an e-mail from someone who hasn't yet heard about the miscarriage & they ask how the pregnancy is going. Or worse, seeing someone in public who doesn't yet know, and fighting back the tears as I explain that I was pregnant but I'm not any more. The toughest times are when I am alone, left with my thoughts. But I have come to the realization that it's ok to think about it. It's ok to be sad. In fact, I need to feel those emotions. Part of the healing process involves getting through the pain; confronting the emotions. It's better for me to feel the emotions than to push them aside in an attempt to "move on". {That's part of the reason I am writing this post.}

There is a book I am reading right now that a friend of mine ordered for me. It's called Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. It is an excellent book for comfort after the loss of an unborn or newly born child. The author uses scripture and introspective questions to help the reader walk through the grieving process. This book, coupled with the scripture it references, has been an amazing help for me. One of the passages that stood out to me the most is from Psalm 139 ~ "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...your eyes saw my unformed body." God created my baby. God knit her together in my womb. God's eyes saw her unformed body. And now, God has her with Him in heaven. How incredible is that? I never saw this baby. I never got to hold her in my arms. I never got to rock her to sleep, or sing her a lullaby, or give her a bath, or nurse her, or take her for a walk, or watch her sleep, or watch her play with her daddy. But she is living a life now with her Father that is better than all the days she would have spent here on earth. And that, friends, is the only thing that gives me comfort right now. Because that is what really matters anyway - time spent with our Father. Little Zippy Goins is spending her days praising God the Father. And so, I will try my hardest to do the same.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

{P.S. If you or someone you know has experienced a miscarriage & you want to talk about it, or if you're just curious & have specific questions, feel free to e-mail me: lerra73@charter.net. Obviously I can't cover all the topics I would like in one blog post. I could go on & on about it...but I'm probably already losing readers as it is!}

on an unrelated {& much lighter} note…

At the insurance agency where I work, we received an e-mail from one of our companies informing us that they would be non-renewing one of our large accounts. She concluded her e-mail with this line:

“We are sorry for any incontinence.”

WELLLL…we are certainly sorry for any incontinence too!!

romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

When Baron & I got engaged, he used this verse to describe his journey in life before he met me, and how God brought the two of us together. Since then, we have used it as encouragement for life's little bumps, and also for a bigger "bump" - our struggle with infertility. Now I am relying on it even more to get us through this time. There is no way either of us could make it through something like this without God's presence, and we have totally felt his hand in our lives these past couple of days. That is mostly due to all of the prayers of our family & friends, and we cannot thank all of you enough! We are so blessed to have such awesome prayer warriors in our life. We thank God for all of you. I know this experience isn't over, but it is so much better with wonderful people surrounding us, and most importantly, an awesome God to hold us.

still learning to trust Him...

They say that after the first trimester of pregnancy, the chances of miscarriage drop drastically. So, when I passed my 13-week mark without any problems, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Yesterday I had my monthly doctor visit. Baron went with me because they were going to find the heartbeat with the Doppler for the first time. It was a miracle in itself that we only had to wait 10-15 minutes to go back to the exam room. After weighing me & taking my blood pressure, Nurse Patty left to get the Doppler. When she came back, she squirted the cold gel on my belly and began searching. She searched for a minute or two, and then made a humorous comment about the baby giving us trouble so it must be a girl. After a couple of minutes of trying, she explained to me that sometimes the placenta is in front of the baby and the Doppler can't get the heartbeat. So she wanted to do an ultrasound.

That's when I got nervous. But part of me was excited about getting to see little Zippy on the screen again. We went to the ultrasound room, and the tech started doing her thing. She asked me when I last had an ultrasound, and I told her it was pretty early. She then proceeded to explain to me that the baby had stopped developing after about 7 weeks. I was confused. I looked at the screen. There was little Zippy, motionless and with no heartbeat pounding. He looked the same as he did when I had my vaginal ultrasound. When the tech asked me, "Do you understand what that means?", it hit me. My baby was gone. I didn't know what to think or say. She left me & Baron in the room for a minute before we went back to the exam room to talk to Dr. Dupre. What's going on? This isn't supposed to happen to ME. I've already struggled to get pregnant - why can't I have this baby?

Dr. Dupre is awesome. He is so matter-of-fact, but with the best approach. He explained to me (like 100 times) that this wasn't my fault. There's nothing I could have done to prevent this. Sometimes it just happens. 20% of the time, as a matter of fact. He called it a "missing miscarriage" - meaning, the baby did not survive but my body has not rejected it yet, so we didn't know it happened until we looked for the heartbeat. He then scheduled me for a D&C, which I will have tomorrow. {Side note: please pray for that procedure...oddly enough, my biggest concern is the IV they will put in me for the anesthesia. I'm a wimp. I could easily pass out.}

So, I know this is a depressing post. I needed to post this for two reasons: (1) I want to get the word out as thoroughly as I can so I can start moving on, and (2) it is very therapeutic for me to write about this experience. Please pray for me & Baron {and our families, as they, of course, were very excited and are now saddened as well} over the next few days/weeks. Obviously I've never been through this process so I don't know what to expect. Last night was a very difficult night for both of us, emotionally, and we are better today but we know it's not over. We are trusting God that this is His plan for us...as unfair and wrong as it seems at the moment. I cannot comprehend why this would be God's plan, but since we have chosen to live lives following Him, I know that it is.

sunshine & hot air balloons

This weekend I decided to enjoy the perfect weather and lay out. Toby enjoyed it too!

And today on my way home from work, I saw this hot air balloon at a State Farm office on Taylor Road. Desperate for customers??

pickles & pillows

I have succombed to the cliche. I cannot get enough pickles. I have always been a big fan of pickles, but in the last week or so, it has elevated to a new level. Baby dill pickles, fried pickles, hamburger pickles, pickled okra, dill pickle chips...you name it. {Just not the sweet pickles - I normally love them but right now, ICK.} Does anyone know if you can eat TOO many pickles? So far I haven't acquired the pickles & ice cream combination, but stay tuned; you never know!

On another note, it seems that while pregnant, we are advised not to sleep on our back. I am mostly a side-sleeper, but I do sleep on my back too. {Fortunately I've never been a stomach sleeper, or I'd really be in a pickle...har har.} I'm considering getting a body pillow, and I have heard about these weird-shaped maternity pillows. Have any of you used one of these pillows? If so, what kind do you recommend? Warning: I refuse to pay $99.95 for a pillow, so if you recommend this pillow, don't bother.